The past two weeks haven't exactly been stellar for me. Chemo brain seems to be taking over lately in odd little ways. For instance, last week Wednesday I misplaced a birthday card within minutes of signing it. I had let Pearl outside and then gone into the kitchen to sign it while waiting for her, went to let her back inside when she barked, and when I came back to the kitchen the card was gone! I turned the house upside down looking for it...in the trash, in the refrigerator, in the oven, in the closet...who knows where I might have put it. But it was gone...vanished...poof! Over the next couple of days I kept looking, retracing my steps of that morning, certain it would appear but still not finding it. Until Jill was here this weekend, looking through the Christmas cards we've received and found it in the middle of them. I can't tell you how relieved I was!
Monday morning I had a vague memory of Rich showing me a present he had bought for one of the kids, but couldn't remember if the memory was real and, if it was, what I had done with the present. This happened again when shopping later in the day...I had a vague memory of already buying the gift I was again looking at, so I put it back and went home to take a look around the house. Fortunately, I found the gift that Rich had bought, and also the gift that I almost bought again. I guess what I was told about chemo brain sometimes lasting up to 10 years is true!
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my oncologist, just to review blood tests and how I'm doing in general. All the really important things are fine...I'm healthy again and only have ONE MORE chemo infusion, in January. But the news that I didn't like hearing was that my hair is most likely not going to grow back to being anything more than just the peach fuzz that it is now. She tossed out all of my theories and speculations and said that "we'll see what happens" once I'm totally done in January, but she didn't have much hope in her voice. I was crushed. At the onset of chemo there had always been a carrot at the end of the stick...that being all the possibilities of how my hair would grow back. No one ever mentioned the possibility of it NEVER growing back. I know that I'm lucky to be alive and well again, and that there are so many others who are not as fortunate as I am who have much bigger things to worry about. I remind myself of that daily and am so thankful for that, and remorseful when I feel sorry for myself. But dang it all, I never planned on being bald for the rest of my life...it's really hard to wrap my arms around that.
I appologized after whining about it to a dear friend of mine who is battling her own battle of cancer, because my reason seems so trivial compared to what she has gone through. But she wisely and graciously said to me that "it's little in the big scale of things, but big in the little scale of things, and in that little scale of things is where we live most of the time." I think she captured it perfectly.
I know of two other women who's hair didn't grow back after chemo and I'm going to call them after the first of the year and form our own support group. I'm sure there are others out there we can include and we'll call ourselves the "Beautiful Bald Babes". I think that's a great way to start the new year!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
The traveling wigs
I took my wigs to the Oncology Center last week. When I was there for my infusion I had asked my nurse if I could bring them in and she said I could if they were cleaned first. She told me that my wigs would enable someone else to have a sense of being "normal", who otherwise couldn't afford them. So I washed them and combed them out once they were dry, and must admit I tried them on one last time to make sure I was ready to give them up. But no, they were definately not who I want to be anymore...they were my transition wigs during chemo, and now I have a transition wig for rejoining life after chemo.
That night, Rich happened to bring home an article from the Wall Street Journal about a woman who had recently recovered from breast cancer and her traveling wig. For four years, this wig has been passed from woman to woman with cancer, all friends of the woman who originally bought the wig after her own diagnosis. Her belief was that when you wear this wig, you see yourself as a healthy person, and with these positive feelings this wig got her through it all. The article went on to say that in a recent study, it was found that during moments of uncertainty...when you're under high stress and low levels of control...people are more likely to attach positive energy to certain items. Called the "talisman placebo effect", it's the desire to have a physical token of a wish...in this case, the good health that has been restored to the women who have worn this wig. The "healing wig", as it is described, offers a shared strength, and a path back to health, say the women who've worn it. They all have felt it's power, and each time it is passed on, the woman's story is shared...all stories of restored health. This time it was her turn to pass on the wig.
When I was walking in with my wigs, a woman who was there for her chemo spotted them and, with shining eyes, told me how beautiful they were. I told her I was giving them to whoever needed them. I wasn't able to tell her my own story, but I hope that they become healing wigs for her and anyone else who might need them.
That night, Rich happened to bring home an article from the Wall Street Journal about a woman who had recently recovered from breast cancer and her traveling wig. For four years, this wig has been passed from woman to woman with cancer, all friends of the woman who originally bought the wig after her own diagnosis. Her belief was that when you wear this wig, you see yourself as a healthy person, and with these positive feelings this wig got her through it all. The article went on to say that in a recent study, it was found that during moments of uncertainty...when you're under high stress and low levels of control...people are more likely to attach positive energy to certain items. Called the "talisman placebo effect", it's the desire to have a physical token of a wish...in this case, the good health that has been restored to the women who have worn this wig. The "healing wig", as it is described, offers a shared strength, and a path back to health, say the women who've worn it. They all have felt it's power, and each time it is passed on, the woman's story is shared...all stories of restored health. This time it was her turn to pass on the wig.
When I was walking in with my wigs, a woman who was there for her chemo spotted them and, with shining eyes, told me how beautiful they were. I told her I was giving them to whoever needed them. I wasn't able to tell her my own story, but I hope that they become healing wigs for her and anyone else who might need them.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Why is Albert Einstein in my mirror?
Something seems to be working...my hair is finally growing! And what's really strange is that as the hair on my head increases in growth, the hair on my legs has slowed to almost a stop! What a great trade-off! It's quite silver in color, with dark hairs sprinkled here and there. It's not thick by any means, but it's definately there...sticking out in every direction! I can't tell if it wants to be curly or just fuzzy for now. I guess that time will tell.
I have learned alot about myself through this hair loss part of chemo. I laugh at myself now as I remember the care I took in not exposing my baldness in public. I was embarrassed and felt totally exposed. Now I walk freely around the neighborhood without a hat on or, if wearing a hat, whip it off without a second thought when feeling overheated, no matter where I am. I am comfortable with my baldness or, should I say, I am accustomed to my baldness now. It certainly has its advantages.
I recently figured out the real reason that I don't like wearing my wigs anymore. It's for the same reason that Rich has never really liked me in my wigs...they're not ME. They're me pretending to be someone else. They were fun when I first lost my hair...a way to have the hair style that I have always wished I had. But now that I've been bald for ten months, I am ready to become ME again, and these wigs just aren't making me feel that way.
Rich suggested that I get another wig...this time a short wig that would look like my hair as it should be looking by now. Feeling that was too frivolous a thing to do, I refused his offer at first and tried wearing the shorter of my two wigs now that it's getting cold out again. But that's when it hit me...I was tired of pretending in this wig and wanted to look like ME again. So I went to the wig shop, and the first wig that I tried on was a "eureka" moment...it was ME reflected in the mirror! I cannot describe how wonderful that made me feel! It was like reuniting with a long, lost friend again. I bought it immediately and wore it home, feeling on top of the world. It's short, it's sassy, and it's ME!
I plan on cleaning my other wigs and donating them to the oncology center. They're beautiful, and served their purpose initially. But if I was to do it over again, I would buy something closer to who I already was before chemo...not something to pretend in. Because you really do lose your identity with cancer and chemo...you become cancer and chemo for a while. And you need to be able to get back to being YOU at a certain point in time, even if it is through the help of a wig.
I'm so glad to look like ME again!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I'm having a pity party
I know that some of you have taken my daughters or Rich aside and asked them, "how is she really doing?", and they have answered truthfully that I'm doing fine. And I am...really. But I have to admit that my lack of real hair is starting to get to me.
I know that the dermatologist said positive things to me, and I'm hopeful that her predictions are true. But I was at a lovely event last Friday night with other breast cancer/chemo survivors, and it didn't have the positive effect on me that I had expected. Instead, I came home kind of depressed. It's not that I didn't enjoy visiting with everyone...that was wonderful. These women are all "warriors" and we're all there for eachother. But what depressed me was their hair...lots of it. Specifically, on the two women who finished chemo within a month of me. I'm thrilled for them, and so glad to see them happy and feeling "normal" again. But a little voice inside my head kept saying, "why can't I have hair, too?"
In my googling, I've read that there is a small percentage of women whose hair does not grow back as thick or full as before. I've met two women within the past month who fit that description, and I'm wondering if I will be one of them. While sitting in church this morning, with my hat off and all my little hairs exposed, I decided that if this is yet another way for me to pave the way for others, then l will do it with style. I will keep my hair very short all over, rather than have a woman's version of a "comb-over", and I will continue to wear cute hats and accessories. And I will remember that the positive side to not having much hair is that it's a snap to get ready in the morning!
I'm still hoping that my hair is just slow in coming in...it really has grown quite a bit in the past two weeks. You can actually see it now. I'm just hopeful that it starts to fill in, regardless of color or texture. In the meantime, I guess I could get some of that spray paint for hair, that used to be advertised for balding men, and fill in the bare spots!
I know that the dermatologist said positive things to me, and I'm hopeful that her predictions are true. But I was at a lovely event last Friday night with other breast cancer/chemo survivors, and it didn't have the positive effect on me that I had expected. Instead, I came home kind of depressed. It's not that I didn't enjoy visiting with everyone...that was wonderful. These women are all "warriors" and we're all there for eachother. But what depressed me was their hair...lots of it. Specifically, on the two women who finished chemo within a month of me. I'm thrilled for them, and so glad to see them happy and feeling "normal" again. But a little voice inside my head kept saying, "why can't I have hair, too?"
In my googling, I've read that there is a small percentage of women whose hair does not grow back as thick or full as before. I've met two women within the past month who fit that description, and I'm wondering if I will be one of them. While sitting in church this morning, with my hat off and all my little hairs exposed, I decided that if this is yet another way for me to pave the way for others, then l will do it with style. I will keep my hair very short all over, rather than have a woman's version of a "comb-over", and I will continue to wear cute hats and accessories. And I will remember that the positive side to not having much hair is that it's a snap to get ready in the morning!
I'm still hoping that my hair is just slow in coming in...it really has grown quite a bit in the past two weeks. You can actually see it now. I'm just hopeful that it starts to fill in, regardless of color or texture. In the meantime, I guess I could get some of that spray paint for hair, that used to be advertised for balding men, and fill in the bare spots!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Frivlous flutter!
I just did something quite frivolous and vain...I had eyelash extensions put on my eyes. I called about a month ago to inquire about them, and learned that the eyelashes are put on SINGLY, and are adhered to each of your own eyelashes. I told them that I didn't think I had enough eyelashes at that time, but would like to wait and come in after a month or so and let them see if I had enough to add to yet. And that was last week, Tuesday.
I went to my appointment thinking that I would have to keep my eyes open the whole time, with no blinking allowed, and wondered how I was going to be able to do that. To my surprise, the opposite was true...my eyes were closed the whole time. After showing me the different sizes, lengths and colors of eyelashes she had gotten out to try and match to my own lashes, and explaining the whole procedure and possible risks, she asked me to lay down on the table (standard doctor's office variety), get my head comfortable on the pillow and close my eyes.
She was very good at talking to me and explaining things as she went along. First, she put "cool pads" under my lower lids, which kept them still, as well as providing some "wrinkle relief" (it was kind of like putting cucumber slices on your eyelids, except these were under the eyes). Then she taped my upper eyelids to my eyebrows so that the edges of the lids and the lashes were fully exposed but my eyes closed. She then proceeded to gently glue each tiny lash to one of my own lashes, working from the outer edges inward for both eyes. It was all finished in about 30 minutes (people with full lashes take about 1 1/2 - 2 hours, averaging about 40 lashes per eye). It was now time for THE REVEAL!
Well, it wasn't what I expected. I had asked her before starting if she thought I had enough eyelashes yet to extend, and she said that she thought she could get enough of them (I have some really tiny, short lashes as well as longer lashes). And it seemed like she was really putting alot of them on me. So I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and didn't see my eyes awash in eyelashes! Realistically, I knew that I didn't have much to work on, but wishfully, I was hoping that she had worked miracles on my eyes and that they would look more like they used to. Instead, I only had about 10 lashes per eye, and they were all kind of doing their own thing! They looked perfectly natural, but I just didn't have enough to really see them. Rats.
On my way home from my appointment, I called Rich to tell him about them. He asked me how I liked them and when I hesitated, and then said that they weren't what I expected, he exclaimed "OH, NO", thinking that I had PERMANENTLY awful eyelashes now! I assured him that they weren't at all like my own first attempt with the false eyelashes...in fact, you could hardly even see these, they were so few. And in fact, he didn't even notice them when he got home that night, I had to point them out.
Sadly, these eyelashes didn't last as long as they were supposed to...probably due to the fact that they pretty much stood alone, and had no protection in numbers! They're supposed to last 6-8 weeks, but I lost one on my right eye the first night, and two on my left eye within the next two days, and yet another on my right eye yesterday. I think I probably accidently knocked them off whenever I rubbed my eyes or washed my face. I'm not used to having to be careful about eyelashes anymore. Finally, they were becoming so ridiculous looking that I removed the rest of them with eye makeup remover last night when I got ready for bed.
The funny thing is, that most of you have told me that you didn't even notice my lack of eyelashes until I wrote about it. My glasses frame my eyes and that seems to make up for them. Maybe I'll just leave well enough alone. Or maybe not.
I went to my appointment thinking that I would have to keep my eyes open the whole time, with no blinking allowed, and wondered how I was going to be able to do that. To my surprise, the opposite was true...my eyes were closed the whole time. After showing me the different sizes, lengths and colors of eyelashes she had gotten out to try and match to my own lashes, and explaining the whole procedure and possible risks, she asked me to lay down on the table (standard doctor's office variety), get my head comfortable on the pillow and close my eyes.
She was very good at talking to me and explaining things as she went along. First, she put "cool pads" under my lower lids, which kept them still, as well as providing some "wrinkle relief" (it was kind of like putting cucumber slices on your eyelids, except these were under the eyes). Then she taped my upper eyelids to my eyebrows so that the edges of the lids and the lashes were fully exposed but my eyes closed. She then proceeded to gently glue each tiny lash to one of my own lashes, working from the outer edges inward for both eyes. It was all finished in about 30 minutes (people with full lashes take about 1 1/2 - 2 hours, averaging about 40 lashes per eye). It was now time for THE REVEAL!
Well, it wasn't what I expected. I had asked her before starting if she thought I had enough eyelashes yet to extend, and she said that she thought she could get enough of them (I have some really tiny, short lashes as well as longer lashes). And it seemed like she was really putting alot of them on me. So I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and didn't see my eyes awash in eyelashes! Realistically, I knew that I didn't have much to work on, but wishfully, I was hoping that she had worked miracles on my eyes and that they would look more like they used to. Instead, I only had about 10 lashes per eye, and they were all kind of doing their own thing! They looked perfectly natural, but I just didn't have enough to really see them. Rats.
On my way home from my appointment, I called Rich to tell him about them. He asked me how I liked them and when I hesitated, and then said that they weren't what I expected, he exclaimed "OH, NO", thinking that I had PERMANENTLY awful eyelashes now! I assured him that they weren't at all like my own first attempt with the false eyelashes...in fact, you could hardly even see these, they were so few. And in fact, he didn't even notice them when he got home that night, I had to point them out.
Sadly, these eyelashes didn't last as long as they were supposed to...probably due to the fact that they pretty much stood alone, and had no protection in numbers! They're supposed to last 6-8 weeks, but I lost one on my right eye the first night, and two on my left eye within the next two days, and yet another on my right eye yesterday. I think I probably accidently knocked them off whenever I rubbed my eyes or washed my face. I'm not used to having to be careful about eyelashes anymore. Finally, they were becoming so ridiculous looking that I removed the rest of them with eye makeup remover last night when I got ready for bed.
The funny thing is, that most of you have told me that you didn't even notice my lack of eyelashes until I wrote about it. My glasses frame my eyes and that seems to make up for them. Maybe I'll just leave well enough alone. Or maybe not.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
You have a nice noggin!
That's what an old friend from college said to me this weekend as we were sitting around, catching up with each other's lives. I wasn't wearing my hat and, since I still don't have much hair on my head, my "noggin" was easy to see. I am fortunate, I guess, to have a nice head shape...there are no ugly scars or bumps...just a nicely rounded head with white peach fuzz growing all over it. But I'm ready for the real thing now...lots of silky, RED hair and it doesn't seem to be happening very fast.
My oncologist took notice of my lack of hair at my last appointment and set me up to see a dermatologist about the possibility of my having chemo induced alopecia. Now wouldn't that be just my luck? Just one more "possible" side effect to add to my list. But according to Dr. Amy, my hair should have looked like this back in June, so I was all for finding out what was going on.
I had to wait a couple of weeks to get in, so in the meantime I continued taking my prenatal vitamins. I started taking them a few weeks ago after a couple of people said that they had noticed a difference in their own hair growth when they took them. I figured, what can it hurt? I take a multi-vitamin anyway, so I just switched to these. I had some explaining to do, tho, when my son-in-law saw them on the kitchen counter!
I finally saw the dermatologist on Monday, and she took a small flashlight to my head and looked closely all around it. She told me that my follicles looked healthy and that there were lots of teeny tiny hairs starting to come in. The fuzz that I'm now seeing is the new (baby) hair that first appears. It will then get stronger and will fill in and have color. She thinks that my hair probably had a double whammy "fall out" reaction...first to the chemo, and then again about three months after chemo was finished. Of course, I thought to myself...my usual chemo "sensitivity". The good news, tho, is that I don't have alopecia! She suggested using Rogaine to help spur on those little hairs, so I stopped and bought some that day. It's a foam that you put on once in the morning and once at night. Smells good, too.
So, between that and my prenatal vitamins, I should look like Lady Godiva in no time!
My oncologist took notice of my lack of hair at my last appointment and set me up to see a dermatologist about the possibility of my having chemo induced alopecia. Now wouldn't that be just my luck? Just one more "possible" side effect to add to my list. But according to Dr. Amy, my hair should have looked like this back in June, so I was all for finding out what was going on.
I had to wait a couple of weeks to get in, so in the meantime I continued taking my prenatal vitamins. I started taking them a few weeks ago after a couple of people said that they had noticed a difference in their own hair growth when they took them. I figured, what can it hurt? I take a multi-vitamin anyway, so I just switched to these. I had some explaining to do, tho, when my son-in-law saw them on the kitchen counter!
I finally saw the dermatologist on Monday, and she took a small flashlight to my head and looked closely all around it. She told me that my follicles looked healthy and that there were lots of teeny tiny hairs starting to come in. The fuzz that I'm now seeing is the new (baby) hair that first appears. It will then get stronger and will fill in and have color. She thinks that my hair probably had a double whammy "fall out" reaction...first to the chemo, and then again about three months after chemo was finished. Of course, I thought to myself...my usual chemo "sensitivity". The good news, tho, is that I don't have alopecia! She suggested using Rogaine to help spur on those little hairs, so I stopped and bought some that day. It's a foam that you put on once in the morning and once at night. Smells good, too.
So, between that and my prenatal vitamins, I should look like Lady Godiva in no time!
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm sitting on top of the world...
"I'm sitting on top of the world, just rolling along, just rolling along...
I'm quitting the blues of the world, just singing a song, just singing a song..."
These were the song lyrics that came to mind as I crested the top of the Crags this past week in Colorado Springs when visiting friends. The Crags are on the western slope of Pike's Peak and brought us up to an elevation of about 10,800 ft. Whew! I quickly found out how much different hiking at a high altitude is from what we're used to here in Michigan...I was out of breath in no time! I learned to just pace myself, drink plenty of water and rest when I needed to. The path was sometimes steep, but mostly a gradual incline through meadows of beautiful Aspen and the hardy Colorado pine trees. What was interesting was the Crags themselves...they are named that because of their craggy rock formations on the sides of the mountain. Their surface is very crumbly, which made walking down them especially tricky because you could slip on the loose gravel they easily produced. So I learned to walk on my tiptoes when the terrain was steep; otherwise your heels could slip out from under you.
The view from the top was unbelievable! It was a clear, sunny day without a cloud in the sky. We could see for miles and miles (that's another song that continually popped into my head...my mind is such a jukebox!), seeing several lakes and miles upon miles of open land, as well as the ring of mountains all around us. I've never seen a bluer sky, either. I felt tired when we reached the top of the Crags, but it was a good kind of tired. It made me feel healthy and physically well again, and thankful to have come through all that has been put before me these past months with such fortitude. It was another kind of challenge that I chose to conquer and be enriched from. Thank you, Karin and David, for sharing this special place with us!
P.S. How do I know the lyrics to such an old song? I was in a barbershop quartet in college and this was one of our songs!
I'm quitting the blues of the world, just singing a song, just singing a song..."
These were the song lyrics that came to mind as I crested the top of the Crags this past week in Colorado Springs when visiting friends. The Crags are on the western slope of Pike's Peak and brought us up to an elevation of about 10,800 ft. Whew! I quickly found out how much different hiking at a high altitude is from what we're used to here in Michigan...I was out of breath in no time! I learned to just pace myself, drink plenty of water and rest when I needed to. The path was sometimes steep, but mostly a gradual incline through meadows of beautiful Aspen and the hardy Colorado pine trees. What was interesting was the Crags themselves...they are named that because of their craggy rock formations on the sides of the mountain. Their surface is very crumbly, which made walking down them especially tricky because you could slip on the loose gravel they easily produced. So I learned to walk on my tiptoes when the terrain was steep; otherwise your heels could slip out from under you.
The view from the top was unbelievable! It was a clear, sunny day without a cloud in the sky. We could see for miles and miles (that's another song that continually popped into my head...my mind is such a jukebox!), seeing several lakes and miles upon miles of open land, as well as the ring of mountains all around us. I've never seen a bluer sky, either. I felt tired when we reached the top of the Crags, but it was a good kind of tired. It made me feel healthy and physically well again, and thankful to have come through all that has been put before me these past months with such fortitude. It was another kind of challenge that I chose to conquer and be enriched from. Thank you, Karin and David, for sharing this special place with us!
P.S. How do I know the lyrics to such an old song? I was in a barbershop quartet in college and this was one of our songs!
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