The "girls"

WARNING: The following information may not be suitable for sissy men. Wifely supervision recommended.

It's been over a month now since my implant surgery. I've been back twice for my post-op visits to my surgeon and both of us are quite pleased with how my new girl looks. She's not the same as the other girl, but I knew that going in. My older girl is aging with me and will continue to, whereas my new girl will be forever perky! I've been asked which one I prefer, and to be honest with you, I like the older girl the best as she's the most natural looking and feeling of the two. And she ought to be, as the surgery for her was no picnic and was a real test of my physical and mental abilities.

The first girl's surgery is called a TRAM (Transverse Rectus Abdominus Myocutaneous) flap. It was done immediately following my mastectomy and consisted of taking the fat and tissue of my belly and tunneling it under my skin up to where my breast would be, all the while being connected to one of my stomach muscles which would provide the blood flow to the new breast. As a result of the stomach muscle being stretched so taut, I walked around like Groucho Marx for the first two weeks, until the muscle stretched enough to allow me to stand upright again. As a result, that muscle is weak and I can no longer do sit ups. Darn! It also was like having a tummy tuck. Goodie!

The surgery for an implant is done in two stages. In the first stage, which was also done immediately after my mastectomy, an expander shaped like a banana was placed under my skin where my breast would be and filled with saline. Every two weeks I went back to the surgeon to have more saline put in it through a port, which causes the expander to enlarge and thus stretch the skin to the size needed for the implant to slip into. In my case, though, my surgeon liked the shape and size I was immediately after the surgery, so he did not fill it with any more saline. I was ready for stage two right away, but because of my chemo, I had to wait until 6 weeks after my last infusion before it was safe for me to have surgery. The surgery consisted of re-opening my incision and taking out the expander, slipping in the deflated implant and then filling it with saline until it was the correct size and a tight fit.

Recovery for the TRAM flap surgery was a long, hard 6-8 weeks. Recovery for the implant surgery was about 1 1/2 weeks, and was a piece of cake. Which surgery would I recommend? I think I'd say the TRAM flap. It was a very tough road, and I questioned myself numerous times as to why I did this to myself, but the end result is so much more natural than the implant and won't require future surgeries as the implant will. Implants usually last only ten or so years and then need to be replaced, as they can develop leaks over time.

I told my surgeon and nurses that I would be glad to talk to patients who might be having a hard time deciding about which type of surgery to have. I want to share my experiences if they can help others. And I also told them that I could be a "two for one" show...if someone wants to see the results of both surgeries, all they have to do is compare my girls!

You lose all modesty when you lose your breasts.

When is shaving your legs a good thing?

The actual answer to that question is never. However, the current answer to that question is now, because it means that my hair is starting to grow back!

While sitting in the car for many hours during our recent road trip, I had plenty of time to study my feet and legs. And what I discovered was that my legs were beginning to look furry! They were a soft and blonde furry...not really noticable to anyone other than me...but none the less, proof of a rebirth going on in my body! For the first time since I was an awkward teenager, I was excited to have a reason to shave again! Even though the act of shaving again doesn't excite me much, it's sure a good sign that things are moving along.

The hair on my head has the same soft and blonde furry look coming in, but ever so slowwwwly. You have to look really close to see it, it is so fine. I am impatient for it to grow in, and very curious as to what color and texture it will be. I am still surprised every time I see my bald self in a mirror...you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But the reason for my current surprise is that I feel normal now, and expect that I look normal as well. I forget that I still look like a cancer patient, not like the rest of you. When I said this to Rich, he told me that's how he sees me every day...as someone who has been sick. My hair loss is a constant reminder to him of what I've been through. I never thought about that. I just thought that he saw me as my old self again, physically as well as spiritually, as I do in my mind.

I mentioned that I had plenty of time to study my feet, as well, on our trip. It seems that the chemo has had the same effect on my toenails as it did on my fingernails...it just took longer to happen. In particular, both of my big toenails have been the most affected and are quite loose...they are curious, empty shells on my toes. I have to be real careful when putting on shoes or sandals, so that I don't bump them and loosen them further. All was well until the end of our trip when I bumped my left toe and loosened the nail some more, so that when we went swimming later that day, the kicking of my feet in the water pretty much finished the job. Surprisingly, when I went inside and removed it, it didn't hurt at all...there was absolutely no feeling in my nailbed.

I've lost a few of my past side effects, but I've recently gained a new one...sensitivity to the sun and heat. I've heard the expression, "prickly heat", but now I have experienced it as well. It seems that whenever I get too warm my skin prickles now, up and down my body. And I've also come close to fainting, as well, from the heat. I drink plenty of water...you could float a boat in me...so that's not the reason. It's just my continued luck of the draw, I guess. This just shows how powerful and pervasive the effects of chemo are, and how long it can affect the body. I guess it also shows that it is still fighting the bad guys for me!

Feeling good!

This morning I have an appointment to see my oncologist and then get my chemo infusion. It's so nice to only be going every three weeks now, rather than weekly. It seems like a long time has passed, and a lot has happened, since my last infusion. My port has been cleaned out and I now have a new "girl"...all that in three weeks time! I'm feeling a little anxious, however, and am hoping that my port will be good to me today, but I'm taking a book and snack bars, just in case.

I continue to feel better and better! My energy level is returning in leaps and bounds (I'm walking 3 miles again, and played 9 holes of golf with a cart last week), my muscle stiffness is pretty much gone, my taste buds and appetite are back to normal, my water retention went away as did the extra pounds I gained, and the hair on my head is slowly coming back (no sign of eyelashes/brows yet). I still have the tearing eyes, but it is definately slowing down, finally. It's mostly just my right eye now, which is how it all started out, so I'm hoping that this means I'm nearing the end. In anticipation of having dry eyes again, I bought fake "glamour" eyelashes yesterday! I can hardly wait to try them and see how they look!

The funny thing about my feeling so good and much like my old self again is that I forget that I still don't LOOK like my old self, and so am always surprised by the person who greets me in the mirror! I'm not embarrassed anymore by my hairlessness, I just totally forget how others perceive me. I get special smiles or treatment from people in stores, which then reminds me that, oh yeah, I'm the woman with cancer. It doesn't upset me to be reminded of that...it just surprises me because in my own mind I'm not there anymore...I've moved on and feel healthy and spunky again!

I have discovered that I have developed a new fetish due to my baldness, however. Hats! Since I rarely wear my wigs anymore (Rich really prefers that I don't wear them...they're not "me"), I need hats! Even though my small head makes it a challenge to find them to fit me, I've managed to acquire quite a collection of them! But as I told Rich, it's like shoes...one color/style doesn't go with every outfit, you need variety! And we all know it's all about accessories! This weekend I discovered a trick to make my looser hats fit better...velcro! No, not on my head, as Rich suggested, but inside the brims of the hats. I glued just the soft, fuzzy half of the velcro around the inside of the hats and it provides just enough thickness to make them fit tighter! Yay! Now they don't slip over my eyes anymore!

Now that it's warm out, I'm driving my convertible more. I wasn't sure if I would want to drive it, being bald, and I was worried about my hats blowing off. But so far, my hats are staying on just fine, and I actually take them off sometimes because they can just be too hot to wear. So if you see a little bald-headed lady driving a cute, white convertible that's me! Now I just need to be sure to put sunscreen on my head so that my "virgin" skin doesn't burn! In the meantime, I seem to be acquiring freckles, as fill in for my hair!

Turn about is fair play!

I played 9 holes of golf last weekend and Marcia rode in the cart with me. On the 15th hole, I was leaning over to pick up a ball and she mentioned how much hair I had lost in the last few months (thanks for noticing!). I have seen the same trend in the morning mirror but have tried to ignore it. Don’t worry, my health is just fine.

I did, however, tell Marcia I partially blame her for my hair loss. I think the financial crisis over the last fifteen months also had a little something to do with it. The difference between her hair loss and mine is that her hair is growing back. I’m not quite as confident about mine. I guess she can get used to me with less hair as I have with her.

We are looking forward to a 2 week car vacation visiting family in upper New York State, then a tour through Ontario north and east of Lake Huron, a visit to Mackinac Island, and a couple days of golf and relaxation with old friends. We just realized Marcia has not had a night away from home in about six months. We love road trips and plan to leave the e-mail and voice mails at home. Life returning to normal sure feels good!

I'm living in the middle of Michigan Outdoors!

We live in the middle of 3 acres of wooded property, and over the years we have seen our share of wild animals. There have been the turkey families, who have sometimes defied me as I attempted to drive up to my garage; the moles, leaving lovely "soft spots" in our yard where their tunnels are; the squirrels, enjoying the bounty of acorns from our oak trees and helping to plant more; the deer, transforming my hostas into yucca-like plants after eating all the flowers and leaving just the stems; Chuck, the woodchuck, sunbathing on my deck when not eating my cone flowers (he sits on his haunches and eats, reminding me of Bugs Bunny eating a carrot); and now we have Fred, the red fox, living under our front deck, who we found out recently is really Fredrika because she has babies!

We've seen Fred off and on over the past two years, but Pearl is who discovered her babies for us. She and I had been hearing soft bumping noises under the deck when sitting in the kitchen. She decided to take a look out the kitchen door to the deck, and lo and behold, there were three fox babies playing in the ground cover! Pearl went crazy! I managed to catch her and gate her in the back hall so that I could watch. They were about the size of a beany baby and they played and rolled around like little puppies. We saw them off and on for about a week. Fred would leave treasures for them to eat (once we saw a rabbit leg, another time a squirrel tail and torso) at the "door" to their hideaway. But Pearl's barking must have finally spooked them because Fred eventually moved them to the woodpile in the backyard.

Nighttime is when we hear Fred and/or her mate. They are nocturnal animals, and so are out hunting in the woods when it's time for me to let Pearl out for her last potty break (don't worry, she's on a chain). Foxes make the creepiest sound...it's a very raspy, throaty bark. Fred doesn't come close, she just walks the perimeters of our yard, barking at us. I had no idea that foxes made any sound at all, until I googled "creepy night barking" and red foxes was one of the animals that came up. When I clicked on the YouTube video, I immediately saw and heard a fox barking like Fred does! Even knowing what the bark is, I still don't like it and always go outside with Pearl at night, armed with my weapon-like flash light that I shine out in the woods! When I've caught Fred in the light, her eyes glowed red....euwwwwww!

It didn't take long for the fox family to miss the spaciousness of our deck, so they soon moved back. And suddenly I counted FOUR babies, instead of three. And then in another week or so, while watching the four of them play (my living room chair is a front row seat to watch them), I noticed another head poke out from under the deck...a FIFTH baby! By now my plants are getting destroyed by their antics, as they think our deck and surrounding ground cover are their own personal playground! We have a three-tiered fountain that we haven't taken the cover off of yet, because they think it's a jungle gym for them and we can only imagine how much more fun splashing in the water would be!

In the meantime, poor Pearl has been going crazy with these babies always around. She spends her days going from window to window, looking for them, and when they're around she is beside herself. And as much as I enjoy watching them (they're so dang cute), they're upsetting the balance of our happy home. So on Thursday, I called animal control.

My first question I asked was do they catch and release, to which she said yes. Good. But when I told her what kind of animals I wanted caught, there was a pause, and then she said she didn't know of anyone who has ever caught red foxes because most people like having them around to catch mice and other small pesky animals. But she was excited and wanted to take the challenge! So out she came with five large cages, which she baited with cat food, sardines, and dead mice! She put them near each opening we found by the deck and told me to call her if we caught any before she came back to check on them later in the day. That night I had a hard time sleeping...I felt so guilty betraying my babies!

Well, there's a reason for the saying, "sly as a fox", because the foxes outsmarted us! They took one look at the cages, and got out of town! They didn't touch the yummy food (except for one can of cat food that was set out on the deck and not in a cage...they took off with that one!), they just decided to relocate again. I did catch them on the deck on Friday when I came home from doing errands, but the babies just made a dive for under the deck, and Fred calmly walked out in the yard, watching me (in the car). I rolled down my window and told her to take her babies and run for it...I really didn't want them to get caught, I just want them out from under my deck!

On Monday, we surrendered and the traps were all taken away. We didn't catch the foxes, but hopefully we've caused them to relocate permanently somewhere else. In the meantime, I've ordered a couple of solar and ultrasonic animal repellers that I'll put out in the yard and hope that helps deter the foxes, and also the deer. We still hear Fred at night barking at us, but maybe these will help keep her from coming close again. Who's out-foxing who?!

Bombs away, she's feeling fine!

That's what Jill's fancy new phone thought she said when she attempted to voice command text this morning after my surgery! What she really said was "Mom's okay, she's feeling fine"! And it's true, all went well and I'm feeling swell (the drugs made me say that)!

We had to be at the hospital by 6:45 this morning. It's pretty sad that I didn't have to show my driver's license to the girls at the front desk when I checked in because they already knew who I was! I wish it was because I'm so memorable, not because I've had a few surgeries there! Actually, they do remember me from when I volunteered in the Surgery Waiting Room a few years ago, but I know that my frequent "visits" there help keep me fresh in their minds.

Anyway, everything went on time...in fact, they were ready ahead of time and anxious for the nurse to hurry up and get me hooked up with my IV so they could wheel me away (don't worry, she didn't rush through anything)! Dr. Dodde came in first and drew diagrams all over my chest as he explained my surgery again. With saline implants, the actual implant is not inflated when inserted and is much smaller and easier to insert than a silicone implant (which would be full of the silicone before inserting). Once inside me, the implant is filled with saline until the proper size is achieved. Then they sew me up again and put me in another corset-like bra again, which I have to wear until my post-op appointment next week. The surgery took about an hour, and after I was able to eat my toast and drink my oj I was allowed to go home.

So far, I'm feeling absolutely no pain or discomfort, other than a slightly sore throat from the breathing tube during surgery (I've been coughing and clearing my throat alot to clear my chest). I seem to be well matched now, but I won't be able to actually see "the girls" for a few days yet when I'm allowed to take my corset off and shower!

Well, I'm a little sleepy, and a nap is next on my agenda (Rich and Jill are already napping...what's wrong with this picture?!). I know I'll have sweet dreams now that my surgery is behind me. One more thing to cross off my list!

Yippee...we have blood!

The last three times that I have had chemo, my port has given me trouble again. It flushes beautifully, but when we try to draw blood from it, we're unsuccessful, most likely due to a clot in the port. My nurse then injects my port with heparin, which is a blood thinner, and then every half hour, she tries to draw blood. This past Tuesday I was at the clinic for an additional three hours before we finally drew blood from my port!

With my implant surgery coming up on Monday, I asked my nurse if I should ask my surgeon about the possibility of replacing or cleaning my port at the same time, and she told me it was worth asking about since it's been giving us so much trouble. So I scooted over to my surgeon's office after I was done with chemo and posed my question to his nurse, who said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me the next morning. When she called, she told me that surgery was not an option yet; that they needed me to have an ultrasound of my port first, to determine what was wrong. She was able to arrange that for the following day.

On Thursday afternoon I went to the hospital where they injected my port with dye and then slid me under the ultrasound scanner so they could see what was going on with my port. They were able to see that I have a little "flap" at the entry of my port, which is a glob of blood that is causing the blockage. The flap gets pushed out of the way when my port is flushed, but when drawing blood the suction brings the flap up into the opening, thus blocking it. Aha! It was then explained to me that there were two ways they could try to dislodge the flap. The first option would be to inject my port with a very strong dose of heparin and allow it to stay in my port for 24 hours before trying to draw blood. The next option, if that didn't work, would be to go up through a vein in my groin and pull the flap out. Ugh.

I had the strong dose of heparin injected in my port that afternoon, and then was asked to come back on Friday afternoon so they could see if it worked. I am pleased to say that when I went back to the hospital and they pulled back the syringe that was in my port, we saw beautiful, dark red blood immediately! Yippee! My port is working again!