Why is Albert Einstein in my mirror?

Something seems to be working...my hair is finally growing! And what's really strange is that as the hair on my head increases in growth, the hair on my legs has slowed to almost a stop! What a great trade-off! It's quite silver in color, with dark hairs sprinkled here and there. It's not thick by any means, but it's definately there...sticking out in every direction! I can't tell if it wants to be curly or just fuzzy for now. I guess that time will tell.

I have learned alot about myself through this hair loss part of chemo. I laugh at myself now as I remember the care I took in not exposing my baldness in public. I was embarrassed and felt totally exposed. Now I walk freely around the neighborhood without a hat on or, if wearing a hat, whip it off without a second thought when feeling overheated, no matter where I am. I am comfortable with my baldness or, should I say, I am accustomed to my baldness now. It certainly has its advantages.

I recently figured out the real reason that I don't like wearing my wigs anymore. It's for the same reason that Rich has never really liked me in my wigs...they're not ME. They're me pretending to be someone else. They were fun when I first lost my hair...a way to have the hair style that I have always wished I had. But now that I've been bald for ten months, I am ready to become ME again, and these wigs just aren't making me feel that way.

Rich suggested that I get another wig...this time a short wig that would look like my hair as it should be looking by now. Feeling that was too frivolous a thing to do, I refused his offer at first and tried wearing the shorter of my two wigs now that it's getting cold out again. But that's when it hit me...I was tired of pretending in this wig and wanted to look like ME again. So I went to the wig shop, and the first wig that I tried on was a "eureka" moment...it was ME reflected in the mirror! I cannot describe how wonderful that made me feel! It was like reuniting with a long, lost friend again. I bought it immediately and wore it home, feeling on top of the world. It's short, it's sassy, and it's ME!

I plan on cleaning my other wigs and donating them to the oncology center. They're beautiful, and served their purpose initially. But if I was to do it over again, I would buy something closer to who I already was before chemo...not something to pretend in. Because you really do lose your identity with cancer and chemo...you become cancer and chemo for a while. And you need to be able to get back to being YOU at a certain point in time, even if it is through the help of a wig.

I'm so glad to look like ME again!

I'm having a pity party

I know that some of you have taken my daughters or Rich aside and asked them, "how is she really doing?", and they have answered truthfully that I'm doing fine. And I am...really. But I have to admit that my lack of real hair is starting to get to me.

I know that the dermatologist said positive things to me, and I'm hopeful that her predictions are true. But I was at a lovely event last Friday night with other breast cancer/chemo survivors, and it didn't have the positive effect on me that I had expected. Instead, I came home kind of depressed. It's not that I didn't enjoy visiting with everyone...that was wonderful. These women are all "warriors" and we're all there for eachother. But what depressed me was their hair...lots of it. Specifically, on the two women who finished chemo within a month of me. I'm thrilled for them, and so glad to see them happy and feeling "normal" again. But a little voice inside my head kept saying, "why can't I have hair, too?"

In my googling, I've read that there is a small percentage of women whose hair does not grow back as thick or full as before. I've met two women within the past month who fit that description, and I'm wondering if I will be one of them. While sitting in church this morning, with my hat off and all my little hairs exposed, I decided that if this is yet another way for me to pave the way for others, then l will do it with style. I will keep my hair very short all over, rather than have a woman's version of a "comb-over", and I will continue to wear cute hats and accessories. And I will remember that the positive side to not having much hair is that it's a snap to get ready in the morning!


I'm still hoping that my hair is just slow in coming in...it really has grown quite a bit in the past two weeks. You can actually see it now. I'm just hopeful that it starts to fill in, regardless of color or texture. In the meantime, I guess I could get some of that spray paint for hair, that used to be advertised for balding men, and fill in the bare spots!

Frivlous flutter!

I just did something quite frivolous and vain...I had eyelash extensions put on my eyes. I called about a month ago to inquire about them, and learned that the eyelashes are put on SINGLY, and are adhered to each of your own eyelashes. I told them that I didn't think I had enough eyelashes at that time, but would like to wait and come in after a month or so and let them see if I had enough to add to yet. And that was last week, Tuesday.

I went to my appointment thinking that I would have to keep my eyes open the whole time, with no blinking allowed, and wondered how I was going to be able to do that. To my surprise, the opposite was true...my eyes were closed the whole time. After showing me the different sizes, lengths and colors of eyelashes she had gotten out to try and match to my own lashes, and explaining the whole procedure and possible risks, she asked me to lay down on the table (standard doctor's office variety), get my head comfortable on the pillow and close my eyes.

She was very good at talking to me and explaining things as she went along. First, she put "cool pads" under my lower lids, which kept them still, as well as providing some "wrinkle relief" (it was kind of like putting cucumber slices on your eyelids, except these were under the eyes). Then she taped my upper eyelids to my eyebrows so that the edges of the lids and the lashes were fully exposed but my eyes closed. She then proceeded to gently glue each tiny lash to one of my own lashes, working from the outer edges inward for both eyes. It was all finished in about 30 minutes (people with full lashes take about 1 1/2 - 2 hours, averaging about 40 lashes per eye). It was now time for THE REVEAL!

Well, it wasn't what I expected. I had asked her before starting if she thought I had enough eyelashes yet to extend, and she said that she thought she could get enough of them (I have some really tiny, short lashes as well as longer lashes). And it seemed like she was really putting alot of them on me. So I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and didn't see my eyes awash in eyelashes! Realistically, I knew that I didn't have much to work on, but wishfully, I was hoping that she had worked miracles on my eyes and that they would look more like they used to. Instead, I only had about 10 lashes per eye, and they were all kind of doing their own thing! They looked perfectly natural, but I just didn't have enough to really see them. Rats.

On my way home from my appointment, I called Rich to tell him about them. He asked me how I liked them and when I hesitated, and then said that they weren't what I expected, he exclaimed "OH, NO", thinking that I had PERMANENTLY awful eyelashes now! I assured him that they weren't at all like my own first attempt with the false eyelashes...in fact, you could hardly even see these, they were so few. And in fact, he didn't even notice them when he got home that night, I had to point them out.

Sadly, these eyelashes didn't last as long as they were supposed to...probably due to the fact that they pretty much stood alone, and had no protection in numbers! They're supposed to last 6-8 weeks, but I lost one on my right eye the first night, and two on my left eye within the next two days, and yet another on my right eye yesterday. I think I probably accidently knocked them off whenever I rubbed my eyes or washed my face. I'm not used to having to be careful about eyelashes anymore. Finally, they were becoming so ridiculous looking that I removed the rest of them with eye makeup remover last night when I got ready for bed.

The funny thing is, that most of you have told me that you didn't even notice my lack of eyelashes until I wrote about it. My glasses frame my eyes and that seems to make up for them. Maybe I'll just leave well enough alone. Or maybe not.

You have a nice noggin!

That's what an old friend from college said to me this weekend as we were sitting around, catching up with each other's lives. I wasn't wearing my hat and, since I still don't have much hair on my head, my "noggin" was easy to see. I am fortunate, I guess, to have a nice head shape...there are no ugly scars or bumps...just a nicely rounded head with white peach fuzz growing all over it. But I'm ready for the real thing now...lots of silky, RED hair and it doesn't seem to be happening very fast.

My oncologist took notice of my lack of hair at my last appointment and set me up to see a dermatologist about the possibility of my having chemo induced alopecia. Now wouldn't that be just my luck? Just one more "possible" side effect to add to my list. But according to Dr. Amy, my hair should have looked like this back in June, so I was all for finding out what was going on.

I had to wait a couple of weeks to get in, so in the meantime I continued taking my prenatal vitamins. I started taking them a few weeks ago after a couple of people said that they had noticed a difference in their own hair growth when they took them. I figured, what can it hurt? I take a multi-vitamin anyway, so I just switched to these. I had some explaining to do, tho, when my son-in-law saw them on the kitchen counter!

I finally saw the dermatologist on Monday, and she took a small flashlight to my head and looked closely all around it. She told me that my follicles looked healthy and that there were lots of teeny tiny hairs starting to come in. The fuzz that I'm now seeing is the new (baby) hair that first appears. It will then get stronger and will fill in and have color. She thinks that my hair probably had a double whammy "fall out" reaction...first to the chemo, and then again about three months after chemo was finished. Of course, I thought to myself...my usual chemo "sensitivity". The good news, tho, is that I don't have alopecia! She suggested using Rogaine to help spur on those little hairs, so I stopped and bought some that day. It's a foam that you put on once in the morning and once at night. Smells good, too.

So, between that and my prenatal vitamins, I should look like Lady Godiva in no time!