Knit hat + socks + gloves = ready for bed

Poor Rich. Just when he thought my wearing flannel jammies was bad enough, now he has to contend with my additional attire! The hat and socks don't make it through the night, as my head and feet warm up eventually. But the gloves are kept on to keep the Bag Balm on my hands, not the bedding. This morning Rich told me he had nightmares all night. When I asked him what he dreamed about, he said "cows". When I asked him why he dreamed about cows, he said it was because of the udder cream (Bag Balm) he smelled all night. Oh, he thinks he's so funny!

We spent this past weekend with five other couples we've know since our college days, and stayed at one of the couple's cottage just north of Grand Rapids. There's nothing like being with old friends who know you well. Lots of love and warm fuzzies among us, and tons of laughs. We took long walks along the lake, and made up our own version of Curling, enjoying eachother's company and the warm, sunny weather outside. One of the gals brought along her new power point projector and we were able to see pictures we had brought of our families and vacations, and some of the pictures went back to when our group first started getting together in the 80's. Oh, the hairstyles and clothes we wore. And how cute our kids were. Where has all the time gone?

I was the first to slip upstairs to bed for the night, and was surprised to realize that in the midst of all this love and happiness, I felt sad. It was like I suddenly remembered that I had cancer, and I didn't like that at all. No one had treated me differently; we talked freely about my chemo and my journey. But I think that being in the midst of all the normalcy of the weekend I realized that things really weren't normal, not for me at least. I didn't cry, I just reflected on why I was feeling this way. For the first time, I was very conscious of having to wear a hat or wig all the time, and it made me feel that big "C" on my forehead again. Sure, my wigs and hats are fun for short periods of time, but wearing them all the time as I did this weekend just reminded me of WHY I'm wearing them.

I guess I was due for a "pitty party" sooner or later, and mine didn't last long. It was just more of a reality check for me, and I've moved on from it. Tomorrow is my third "bad chemo" infusion which means that I'm half way through, and that's cause for celebration!

You can call me Michael

I'm sitting here typing with cotton gloves on, as my hands are slathered with Bag Balm. My latest chemo side effects are cracked & peeling finger tips, and what looks like burns on the sides of my hands. Not too attractive or comfortable, but the Bag Balm has a soothing effect. The typing is a bit slow, as the gloves are not very tactile. But I'm muddling through, and my hands feel much better.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I had my "easy chemo" in the morning and when I arrived, all of the private rooms were filled so I had to sit out in the large gathering room with about nine other patients who were receiving their chemo. It was a mixed group of mostly older men and women, but there were a couple of women who were probably in their 30's...much too young to be dealing with cancer. Some were talking with their family or friends, one couple played cribbage, and some napped while their loving spouse quietly watched over them. The kindness of the nurses and the tender loving care of family and friends in this room was beautiful to see. I felt very humbled, and thankful that I have a chemo regiman that is tolerable and a cancer that is curable.

I did have a small problem with my port, though. My nurse, Wendy, needed to draw blood from it before giving me my chemo and it wasn't cooperating. She was able to flush it with saline to clear it, but it wouldn't let her draw any blood out of it, so I was given Heperin, a blood thinner, to break down any clotting that may be in the port. After waiting the required 30 minutes, Wendy came back and tried again and it still wouldn't draw blood. Wendy asked another nurse to check the line and make sure I was "plugged in" correctly and she said I was, so Wendy gave me a stronger dose of Heperin, and I waited another 30 minutes before she could try again. And again, it wouldn't draw blood. So I asked her if maybe she should "unplug me" and then "plug me in" again to see if maybe the needle was angled funny, and she did. And guess what...it worked!! So she hooked me up to my chemo bag, and away I went.

The fortunate thing about all the extra time I spent waiting for my port to work, is that I took my knitting with me and was able to finish my vest! And as soon as I got home I stitched all the pieces together and tried it on and.....well, it's okay, but I wouldn't win any knitting awards! But at least I finished it, and with barely any yarn to spare.

Who's the redhead sitting next to me in the movie theater? (a blog by Rich)

That’s just one of many questions that I have had over the last few months. We all get so used to being with those close to us that we sometimes do not really look at them anymore. Well, looking at Marcia with no wig and Marcia with a red wig still is still getting my attention! I really think hair is over-rated...especially as more of mine goes down the bathroom drain each morning.

I seem to be getting more comfortable with the questions that go along with cancer treatment. What is the long-term prognosis? How will she deal with the cumulative effects of the chemo treatments? How will I be able to shave her head? Will I be able to show the girls the same humor and courage that Marcia does so effortlessly? When will life return to normal?

The answers to these questions and more seem to come to me as time goes on. A sense of humor, a deep and loving personal relationship, a strong belief system, and the support of friends and family have made this just another challenge to confront together. Thank you all for your part in supporting us in many ways. The cards, phone calls, food, kind and supportive comments, and other kindnesses help more than you know.

One question I get a lot is, ‘How are you doing?’ Well, I think I’m doing pretty well. On Valentine’s Day, however, I wasn't so sure. I got Marcia a gift and two cards. One was a funny Valentine’s Day card, the other was a birthday card (her birthday is in October). Perhaps I am not doing as well as I think.

Thanks again for all your love and support.

Concentration and memory...what was the question, again?

It's funny...here I've got all the time in the world to read the many books that are piled by my chair, just waiting to be picked up and read. Rich keeps adding his own "must read" books to my pile, but with "chemo brain" enshrouding my mind, I don't have the concentration necessary to read for any length of time. Even reading the paper can be a struggle to get through, as my mind loses interest quickly and wants to move on to something else. Or take a nap. Multi-tasking is not a good idea, either, even though I do seem to flit from one thing to another when on my steroids. But that would require too much concentration to see any one thing through (although I really can't blame this on chemo brain), and who knows how many things Rich would come home to find unfinished.

So I keep myself busy knitting while watching movies via Netflix. And my current knitting project is the PROJECT FROM HELL so far! I'm trying to knit a simple vest, with a yarn that is inconsistent in weight...it has thick slubs as well as thin strands to it, so will be very chunky when finished. However, because of this variance, it doesn't knit to scale and I have taken it apart FOUR times now, after reaching the midway point of the back of the vest. I have finally re-written the directions, which is very daring of me because I am NOT an experienced knitter. Scarves, mittens and felted purses are my claim to fame in the knitting world. But I am determined to make this vest work, even if it kills me! I'm already envisioning myself wearing it proudly (it'll look so cute with my red hair), so with all the concentration I can muster, I WILL finish this knitting project!

Do they make flavored cotton balls?

Now that my food cravings have finally gone away, my mouth feels as if it's filled with cotton balls. Everything is so dry now, and I can't seem to drink enough water to make any difference. I've got the chapstick handy to keep my lips from drying out, but my nose feels as parched as the Sahara Desert. Add to that the sweetish, metalic taste I now have again and you've got the picture...not much tastes good anymore! It's a good thing, too, as I was worried I was going to turn into a blimp after this weekend's munchie attacks. But I was pleasantly surprised when I weighed in before my chemo infusion today...I hadn't gained a pound!

Tacos and chilis and dips, oh my!

One of the downsides of my being on steroids these first five days of having my "nasty chemo", is that I have the munchies like crazy! And with it being Super Bowl weekend, all the advertisers and talk shows seem to be showing as many snacks and foods to make your Super Bowl Party a success as possible. And I am craving ALL OF IT!

At 9:30 yesterday morning, after eating my healthy bowl of cereal with banana slices, I was discovered happily dipping my tostito chips into a jar of salsa by my daughter, Anne, who just laughed and said that at least part of it was healthy! But later that morning I had cravings for chips and dip, as well as bagels and cream cheese so Anne sweetly went to the grocery store to feed my newest cravings, as well (she actually was thinking that sounded pretty good, too). It's like being pregnant again! Nothing sweet has any appeal, because I can't really taste sweet very well with my metallic taste being back. But anything that is salty, or tomatoey, or cheesy....watch out! Have you seen the commercial for those fried cheese sticks that you dip in pizza sauce.....ooooh, baby do those look good!

Fortunately, I'll be done with the steroids tonite, and should be back to "normal" tomorrow. I'll also probably be feeling icky instead, but at least those Super Bowl ads won't have their hold on me anymore, thank goodness!

I don't want to go to the vet!

That's what Rich and I say whenever we have to go to a doctor's appointment we don't want to go to. It's in reference to our previous dog, Boots, who instinctively knew whenever we were taking her to the vet, and shook all the way there! Today was my second "big nasty" chemo, and even though I knew what to expect this time, I still had butterflies in the pit of my stomach as we drove to my appointment. No matter how brave I may think I am, the bottom line is that I am waging a chemical warfare on my body.

I saw my oncologist before my infusions today. She checked me out physically, and then told me that all of my blood work is great, which means my organs (liver and kidneys, specifically) are not being affected by the chemo. Whew! She said that all of my itching and rash were most likely due to the steroids and taxotere (one of my "big nasty" chemos), and to take benadryl orally and also as a cream. Which is exactly what I did, and it helped.

Rich thinks my skin is a different color now, compared to when I went in for my infusion this morning. I don't see it, but I wouldn't be surprised. I hope I don't turn into a little GREEN alien, though! I'm sure that the rest of my hair will fall out, now that I've had my second round. I think I'm getting used to seeing myself bald now...it doesn't shock me anymore when I see myself in the mirror. And I really don't mind wearing hats and wigs, though I know that I would feel differently if it was hot, rather than cold, outside. I still need to get Rich to take pictures of me with my new looks so that I can post them for you. We'll work on that soon.

In the meantime, I need another nap!

Old habits are hard to break

I've got to admit, this having no hair to wash or style is the greatest! But old habits are hard to break...I still reach up to wring my hair out before stepping out of the shower, and then I'm ready to grab the hairdryer to dry my hair. Between not needing to shave my legs anymore and no hair to wash, showers are short and sweet! The whole "getting ready" process is short and sweet! All I have to do now is put my face and my eyes on, swipe some lipstick on my lips, and then decide which wig or hat I'm going to wear!

And wearing a wig is a snap...all I do is shake it out, plop it on my head, make sure it's on straight, fix the bangs and away I go! No more bad hair days! I went back to the wig shop today to get them adjusted and trimmed a little. One needed the back shortened (it had the Carol Brady look going on) and the other needed to be taken in a little (I have a small head!) and the bangs trimmed so that I could see. Now they fit perfectly and I'm ready to go! I'll have Rich take some pictures of me in them, and post them (if I can figure that out) for you to see.