To toss or not to toss!

You know, it's interesting how much hair affects your self image. I always knew that my moods could be affected by having a bad hair day, but I never realized how much importance we put on having good hair. And how much having hair signifies being healthy. I think that's the hardest part for me. I've already said that I feel like there's a big "C" on my forehead, but why am I embarrassed by it? Why isn't my old "devil may care" attitude kicking in more?

When I was in high school, my parents didn't allow me to wear shorts to school. Well, I got around that by wearing them underneath my skirts (sorry, Dad) and then, while at my locker, I'd drop my skirt and step out of it right there in the hallway, for the shock value!! Where is that person I used to be? Why can't I just toss off my wig or hat whenever I want to?

I was at my favorite store the other morning, doing my usual cycle of making returns and then finding new things to purchase. I came across the hats and, as luck would have it, I had worn a cute hat that day with a knit cap underneath it so I could actually try these hats on without doing my fake out in the dressing room again (not that I would have had to fake anything...my cart was getting full!). But as I tried on the hats, I felt like I was drawing attention to myself in a way that I'm not accustomed to...like I wasn't just a normal person out shopping any more.

It's hard to describe the feelings I've had, or the reasons for them. I remember feeling like I was bragging (by bringing attention to myself) when I first put the pink survivor ribbon magnet on my car after my first bout of breast cancer (I actually heard someone else describe having these same feelings the other night on t.v.). And now I feel like people are watching me because I'm "different" now. What will it take for me to embrace my baldness and all that it stands for, and turn it into a positive, creative part of me?

It's funny, but since that day I've come to realize that I actually feel more comfortable and "normal" in hats and scarves than I do in my wigs. When I have my wig on, I don't feel normal at all, as I thought I would. I feel like I'm pretending to be me and I become more self-conscious, worrying that it's on straight or that it's going to shoot off of my head. When I am wearing a hat, there's no more pretense...I am me, I'm undergoing chemo and I'm bald. And I'm normal (well, Rich would dispute that claim). I just need to learn that it's okay to be bald (even though my head is small!). And maybe I just need to toss my wig in the air and see what happens!