My shoeboxes

The night before my surgery last November, Rich gave me a beautifully wrapped gift. When I opened it, there were a pair of red patent leather Kate Spade shoes inside the box, just my size! I was overwhelmed by his thoughfulness...and sneakiness, for he had asked a friend of ours to shop for them while in Chicago on her own shoe shopping venture. I saved the box and soon used it to hold all of the cards I was receiving daily from so many of you dear friends. But soon the box was overflowing with cards and I needed another box to hold them all. I had just the one! I had recently purchased a pair of hot pink Nike "warrior" shoes and the box was much larger, so I transferred all of the cards into this box instead. But now I am finding that I need to use BOTH boxes, as this box is now overflowing with cards, also! I don't think a day has gone by without my receiving at least one card in the mail. Your love and support by way of cards and notes has been phenomenal. To you it may be just a card to let me know you're thinking of me, but to me it's a connection to you...a way of knowing I'm not forgotten or alone on my journey. Thank you for continuing to be here for me.

Manicures and crocodile tears

One of my latest side effects of chemo is sensitive finger nails. I've been told to keep them cut short so that they don't catch on anything, because there's a possibility that they could come off. Eeuw! So today I decided to play manicurist to myself (I can't have them professionally done because of the chance of infection) and sat down to take off the old polish. That was when my second latest side effect kicked in again....excessively watering eyes, mostly the right eye! I could hardly see anything through the giant tears that kept welling up! I managed to get the polish off without too much trouble seeing ( I THINK I got it all off!) but when it came time to put the new polish on, that was another matter altogether! Try imagining your eyes full of tears and then trying to see something closely...it's all a blurr, isn't it? Well, that's pretty much my new world now, with my watery eyes. I even have trouble reading because they tear up so much that all becomes a blurr. There's nothing to be done for it, unfortunately. Another friend of mine had the same side effect and it eventually went away, so I'll just hang in there. Please don't be critical of my manicure, though...it's the best I could do under the circumstances. And please don't think I'm crying all the time...it's just the latest chapter of my marvelous adventure!

Look good, feel better

Last week I was able to take part in a Look Good/Feel Better session that the American Cancer Society hosts for cancer patients undergoing chemo treatment. They offer these sessions once a month, free of charge, and all you have to do is show up at the appointed time. It's a WONDERFUL thing to be offered! There were only three of us who showed up, but we were all able to feel at ease with eachother immediately and compare experiences. We were all a little different with our surgeries and chemos, but the underlying emotion we all shared was that we wanted to LOOK and FEEL normal in the un-normal world we are currently a part of.

We all sat at a large table together, each with a makeup mirror, and then were all given a large lunch-sized bag, that was sealed closed, for only us to open. And when we opened them, it was like CHRISTMAS! Various makeup artists had enclosed their own special products in our bags...artists such as Bobbi Brown, Aveda, Clinique, Avon, Marykay...the list goes on! We had eye liners and eybrow pencils, lip glosses and lip liners, blushes and concealers and foundations, bronzers and eyeshadows, lotions and creams! It was unbelievable what we found inside our own personal bag! And it was all ours to learn to use and keep!

We were guided by a gentle and kind woman, who herself is a cancer survivor. She used to be a beautician, but now enjoys volunteering for the ACS and in other ways. She helped us sort through our goodies and showed us how to "grow" eyebrows again with the use of a pencil. She showed us how to put glows back on our faces, and smiles on our lips. All the while doing this, we were reassuring ourselves, and eachother, that we could still be US in another form. And we could totally BE OURSELVES with eachother, as we were all on the same journey. Off came the wigs and hats, and on came the sharing of ideas and questions...where to shop for wigs and hats, how to wear bras after mastectomies, what kinds of side effects did we have. We talked without embarrassment or feeling like we were different. We felt almost normal, in our own differences. It was very freeing for all of us to just talk openly and be GIRLS again, as we all put on our new makeup. Thank you, ACS, for letting us look good and feel better!

Ketchup and Chocolate Chip Cookies

My tastebuds are starting to play funny tricks on me. Things that used to taste wonderful to me, now either have no taste at all, or have no appeal to me anymore. Rich and I went out for hamburgers the other night and I put ketchup on my fries and on my burger...and ended up scraping it all off immediately! I couldn't tolerate the taste anymore...it was awful! Just the thought of ketchup suddenly made me want to gag! I had to quickly call Anne to tell her, because neither she or her boyfriend, Kellen, like ketchup in any way, shape or form and I knew she would be thrilled to add me to their club! She laughed when I told her, but then asked me not to bake or eat any chocolate chip cookies for fear that the same thing would happen to those, and she thinks I make the best cookies in the world!

I had been told earlier by another chemo survivor that if there's anything I wish I DIDN"T like to eat so much, that I should eat it during chemo because I would probably grow to dislike it and never eat it again. I can see the truth to that theory, already. I no longer have cravings for any of the Super Bowl foods I couldn't get enough of. Cookies and cake and anything sweet has no appeal anymore. Nothing really calls to me when it comes to meal time. Weird things are popping up in my diet trials now, like Spaghettios did today. For some reason, that old stand-by for when my kids were little had some appeal to me, so I ate a few bites along with some crackers and peanut butter. Not bad. I didn't eat much of it (I didn't want to jinx a good thing) but I figured I at least got some carbs and protein in my tummy. Last night a friend brought dinner over and some freshly cut fruit. I couldn't get enough of the fruit! It was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted! Thank goodness for all you kind souls who are bringing dinners to us during these nasty chemo days, or who knows what we would be eating. Not much, that's for sure. Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts (and tummies!).

Comments from the peanut gallery (that'd be Rich)

I thought it was time to give you all a medical update. We spoke to the oncology doctor on Tuesday and received a very positive update. Marcia is reacting well to the Chemo. Her white blood cell count is not too low and she is recovering well from the ongoing treatments. She has two more major treatments, with the last one occuring on April 27. Since it takes a couple of weeks to start feeling better, we expect to return to some resemblance of normal in mid May. She will continue a less invasive treatment every three weeks from May through the end of the year. These are not expected to be major (easy for me to say) and the hair will come back and the other side effects diminish in May. The doctor indicated that the long term prognosis is excellent with little active follow-up. June brings a final reconstruction surgery. We are thankful for great doctors, caring nurses, and complete health insurance. We don't know what we would do if we didn't have all three.

Many of you have asked how I am doing. Well, I'm doing okay... just okay. We have certainly learned that Marcia is the real source of personal strength in our household. In other words, I think I am the weenie! We have received many kindnesses from you in the form of meals, phone calls, cards, prayers, and positive thoughts. In the past, I have heard, and sometimes said, we are thinking/praying for you. To be honest, until this process, I never really understood what they meant. During this process, I think I have actually pysically felt your support. I sometimes think I can reach out and touch a cloud of support and caring that seems to surround us. It has reminded me of the importance of moving beyond the daily events of our lives and remembering the things that matter the most. We have always learned from the medical challenges in our family and you all have taught us how to gracefully receive help and appreciate what others can do for us. I think it will make us both more thoughtful as other people in our lives deal with life's challenges. Thanks.

We expect to lay low for the next eight weeks. When spring and Tulip Time arrives, we will re-emerge and move on. We will not, however, forget what you have meant to us during this time.

To toss or not to toss!

You know, it's interesting how much hair affects your self image. I always knew that my moods could be affected by having a bad hair day, but I never realized how much importance we put on having good hair. And how much having hair signifies being healthy. I think that's the hardest part for me. I've already said that I feel like there's a big "C" on my forehead, but why am I embarrassed by it? Why isn't my old "devil may care" attitude kicking in more?

When I was in high school, my parents didn't allow me to wear shorts to school. Well, I got around that by wearing them underneath my skirts (sorry, Dad) and then, while at my locker, I'd drop my skirt and step out of it right there in the hallway, for the shock value!! Where is that person I used to be? Why can't I just toss off my wig or hat whenever I want to?

I was at my favorite store the other morning, doing my usual cycle of making returns and then finding new things to purchase. I came across the hats and, as luck would have it, I had worn a cute hat that day with a knit cap underneath it so I could actually try these hats on without doing my fake out in the dressing room again (not that I would have had to fake anything...my cart was getting full!). But as I tried on the hats, I felt like I was drawing attention to myself in a way that I'm not accustomed to...like I wasn't just a normal person out shopping any more.

It's hard to describe the feelings I've had, or the reasons for them. I remember feeling like I was bragging (by bringing attention to myself) when I first put the pink survivor ribbon magnet on my car after my first bout of breast cancer (I actually heard someone else describe having these same feelings the other night on t.v.). And now I feel like people are watching me because I'm "different" now. What will it take for me to embrace my baldness and all that it stands for, and turn it into a positive, creative part of me?

It's funny, but since that day I've come to realize that I actually feel more comfortable and "normal" in hats and scarves than I do in my wigs. When I have my wig on, I don't feel normal at all, as I thought I would. I feel like I'm pretending to be me and I become more self-conscious, worrying that it's on straight or that it's going to shoot off of my head. When I am wearing a hat, there's no more pretense...I am me, I'm undergoing chemo and I'm bald. And I'm normal (well, Rich would dispute that claim). I just need to learn that it's okay to be bald (even though my head is small!). And maybe I just need to toss my wig in the air and see what happens!

Am I done yet?

People have been asking me if all is well, because I haven't posted anything on my blog lately. And I've had requests for current pictures of myself, so I guess I'd better do something about this!

For starters, the new picture I'm posting is of me standing with my new Friendship Quilt that was made by many loving hands from The Bank of Holland. I was invited to attend their weekly staff meeting today, on the pretext that the guest speaker was someone I would really be interested in hearing talk. So at 7:30 a.m. I dutifully walked up to the training room (where the meeting was) and found a seat...in the front row. I soon was to discover that there was no speaker... that the "meeting" was actually just a way to present Jodi, another cancer fighter, and me with our beautiful quilts. We were both totally surprised and humbled by these thoughtful gifts. It has been such fun looking at and reading all the different patches... they are all so clever and lovingly made. I have already wrapped mine around me today to keep me warm as I rested after my busy day. I feel surrounded by loving hands...thank you again, to all of you.

I really don't have anything else that is new to report. My old experiences continue to be my current experiences, just cumulative in nature now. My poor hands are "burned" again, only this time my knuckles and lower thumbs are involved. I'm going through the peeling stages now, only to have the burns probably begin all over again next week with my "big nasty" chemo. My face continues to get bright red and splotchy for the first week after chemo, so I'm not too pretty to look at for quite a few days. The newest side effect that I'm having is weakness in my leg mucles. I can hardly climb a flight of stairs without my legs screaming at me as if I'd just done one too many leg squats! My walking in the morning has been lessened by this, and riding my exercise bike is out because my legs just can't do it without screaming at me. I can walk regularly just fine...they're not weak that way. I just can't go long distances without getting tired. So in the meantime, I am gaining weight and I don't like THAT at all!

Curiously, I have not lost all of my hair at this point in time, but everything continues to get thinner. My eyebrows need enhancing with an eyebrow pencil, and my eyelashes get a boost from liner...but they're still there! My head is not completely bald...it has teeny baby hairs sprouting on it. What I miss the most in all of this are my taste buds! Nothing even sounds good to eat anymore, let alone tastes good. I'm eating balanced meals, just not much at any time. Let's just say that my journey is a challenge!

Hats, wigs or scarves?

Well, the novelty has worn off. I'm not as enamored with wearing wigs as I first was. Not having bad hair days seems to be in the past, or I've lost my touch, as I can't seem to feel comfortable with my wigs on anymore. The bangs seem to be in my eyes, or the back feels like it's inching up like a rubber band about to be released. I check to make sure it's on right, and usually it only needs a slight adjustment to make it straight, but it still doesn't feel right. But I guess the real question is, what feels right about wearing a wig?

I stopped at Macy's on my way home from having my car serviced today and wore my wig so that I would look "normal". I wanted to see if they had any cute hats. But as I stood in front of the mirror with a couple of hats in hand, I wondered how I was going to try them on. What a strange feeling that was! I decided to fake having to try something on in the dressing room (I thought it would look strange taking just hats in), and walked around until I found a shirt I could pretend I wanted and took it and the hats inside. I then went to the very last dressing room so that there'd be no chance of anyone walking by and seeing me pluck my hair off my head. Ahhhh, it felt so good to take my wig off for those few moments...and it felt so normal.

I did come home with two new hats, but after wearing one of them for a while, realized that it was too warm to wear as an inside hat. What a dummy I was...they were fleece hats to wear outside in the cold, not inside in the warm! But they were so soft and cozy! I then decided that maybe I needed to try scarves instead, so I untied the scarf I had around my neck and tried to see if I could do anything creative with it on my head. I folded it in half lengthwise and tied it in the back and then twisted it up around the sides and tied/twisted it on the top of my head. Voila! I think I'm on to something! It certainly is a lot cooler than a hat or wig, and with all the twisting involved, it gives my tiny little head some added dimension! This just may be the new me!