What happened to the carrot?

The past two weeks haven't exactly been stellar for me. Chemo brain seems to be taking over lately in odd little ways. For instance, last week Wednesday I misplaced a birthday card within minutes of signing it. I had let Pearl outside and then gone into the kitchen to sign it while waiting for her, went to let her back inside when she barked, and when I came back to the kitchen the card was gone! I turned the house upside down looking for it...in the trash, in the refrigerator, in the oven, in the closet...who knows where I might have put it. But it was gone...vanished...poof! Over the next couple of days I kept looking, retracing my steps of that morning, certain it would appear but still not finding it. Until Jill was here this weekend, looking through the Christmas cards we've received and found it in the middle of them. I can't tell you how relieved I was!

Monday morning I had a vague memory of Rich showing me a present he had bought for one of the kids, but couldn't remember if the memory was real and, if it was, what I had done with the present. This happened again when shopping later in the day...I had a vague memory of already buying the gift I was again looking at, so I put it back and went home to take a look around the house. Fortunately, I found the gift that Rich had bought, and also the gift that I almost bought again. I guess what I was told about chemo brain sometimes lasting up to 10 years is true!

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my oncologist, just to review blood tests and how I'm doing in general. All the really important things are fine...I'm healthy again and only have ONE MORE chemo infusion, in January. But the news that I didn't like hearing was that my hair is most likely not going to grow back to being anything more than just the peach fuzz that it is now. She tossed out all of my theories and speculations and said that "we'll see what happens" once I'm totally done in January, but she didn't have much hope in her voice. I was crushed. At the onset of chemo there had always been a carrot at the end of the stick...that being all the possibilities of how my hair would grow back. No one ever mentioned the possibility of it NEVER growing back. I know that I'm lucky to be alive and well again, and that there are so many others who are not as fortunate as I am who have much bigger things to worry about. I remind myself of that daily and am so thankful for that, and remorseful when I feel sorry for myself. But dang it all, I never planned on being bald for the rest of my life...it's really hard to wrap my arms around that.

I appologized after whining about it to a dear friend of mine who is battling her own battle of cancer, because my reason seems so trivial compared to what she has gone through. But she wisely and graciously said to me that "it's little in the big scale of things, but big in the little scale of things, and in that little scale of things is where we live most of the time." I think she captured it perfectly.

I know of two other women who's hair didn't grow back after chemo and I'm going to call them after the first of the year and form our own support group. I'm sure there are others out there we can include and we'll call ourselves the "Beautiful Bald Babes". I think that's a great way to start the new year!

The traveling wigs

I took my wigs to the Oncology Center last week. When I was there for my infusion I had asked my nurse if I could bring them in and she said I could if they were cleaned first. She told me that my wigs would enable someone else to have a sense of being "normal", who otherwise couldn't afford them. So I washed them and combed them out once they were dry, and must admit I tried them on one last time to make sure I was ready to give them up. But no, they were definately not who I want to be anymore...they were my transition wigs during chemo, and now I have a transition wig for rejoining life after chemo.

That night, Rich happened to bring home an article from the Wall Street Journal about a woman who had recently recovered from breast cancer and her traveling wig. For four years, this wig has been passed from woman to woman with cancer, all friends of the woman who originally bought the wig after her own diagnosis. Her belief was that when you wear this wig, you see yourself as a healthy person, and with these positive feelings this wig got her through it all. The article went on to say that in a recent study, it was found that during moments of uncertainty...when you're under high stress and low levels of control...people are more likely to attach positive energy to certain items. Called the "talisman placebo effect", it's the desire to have a physical token of a wish...in this case, the good health that has been restored to the women who have worn this wig. The "healing wig", as it is described, offers a shared strength, and a path back to health, say the women who've worn it. They all have felt it's power, and each time it is passed on, the woman's story is shared...all stories of restored health. This time it was her turn to pass on the wig.

When I was walking in with my wigs, a woman who was there for her chemo spotted them and, with shining eyes, told me how beautiful they were. I told her I was giving them to whoever needed them. I wasn't able to tell her my own story, but I hope that they become healing wigs for her and anyone else who might need them.

Why is Albert Einstein in my mirror?

Something seems to be working...my hair is finally growing! And what's really strange is that as the hair on my head increases in growth, the hair on my legs has slowed to almost a stop! What a great trade-off! It's quite silver in color, with dark hairs sprinkled here and there. It's not thick by any means, but it's definately there...sticking out in every direction! I can't tell if it wants to be curly or just fuzzy for now. I guess that time will tell.

I have learned alot about myself through this hair loss part of chemo. I laugh at myself now as I remember the care I took in not exposing my baldness in public. I was embarrassed and felt totally exposed. Now I walk freely around the neighborhood without a hat on or, if wearing a hat, whip it off without a second thought when feeling overheated, no matter where I am. I am comfortable with my baldness or, should I say, I am accustomed to my baldness now. It certainly has its advantages.

I recently figured out the real reason that I don't like wearing my wigs anymore. It's for the same reason that Rich has never really liked me in my wigs...they're not ME. They're me pretending to be someone else. They were fun when I first lost my hair...a way to have the hair style that I have always wished I had. But now that I've been bald for ten months, I am ready to become ME again, and these wigs just aren't making me feel that way.

Rich suggested that I get another wig...this time a short wig that would look like my hair as it should be looking by now. Feeling that was too frivolous a thing to do, I refused his offer at first and tried wearing the shorter of my two wigs now that it's getting cold out again. But that's when it hit me...I was tired of pretending in this wig and wanted to look like ME again. So I went to the wig shop, and the first wig that I tried on was a "eureka" moment...it was ME reflected in the mirror! I cannot describe how wonderful that made me feel! It was like reuniting with a long, lost friend again. I bought it immediately and wore it home, feeling on top of the world. It's short, it's sassy, and it's ME!

I plan on cleaning my other wigs and donating them to the oncology center. They're beautiful, and served their purpose initially. But if I was to do it over again, I would buy something closer to who I already was before chemo...not something to pretend in. Because you really do lose your identity with cancer and chemo...you become cancer and chemo for a while. And you need to be able to get back to being YOU at a certain point in time, even if it is through the help of a wig.

I'm so glad to look like ME again!

I'm having a pity party

I know that some of you have taken my daughters or Rich aside and asked them, "how is she really doing?", and they have answered truthfully that I'm doing fine. And I am...really. But I have to admit that my lack of real hair is starting to get to me.

I know that the dermatologist said positive things to me, and I'm hopeful that her predictions are true. But I was at a lovely event last Friday night with other breast cancer/chemo survivors, and it didn't have the positive effect on me that I had expected. Instead, I came home kind of depressed. It's not that I didn't enjoy visiting with everyone...that was wonderful. These women are all "warriors" and we're all there for eachother. But what depressed me was their hair...lots of it. Specifically, on the two women who finished chemo within a month of me. I'm thrilled for them, and so glad to see them happy and feeling "normal" again. But a little voice inside my head kept saying, "why can't I have hair, too?"

In my googling, I've read that there is a small percentage of women whose hair does not grow back as thick or full as before. I've met two women within the past month who fit that description, and I'm wondering if I will be one of them. While sitting in church this morning, with my hat off and all my little hairs exposed, I decided that if this is yet another way for me to pave the way for others, then l will do it with style. I will keep my hair very short all over, rather than have a woman's version of a "comb-over", and I will continue to wear cute hats and accessories. And I will remember that the positive side to not having much hair is that it's a snap to get ready in the morning!


I'm still hoping that my hair is just slow in coming in...it really has grown quite a bit in the past two weeks. You can actually see it now. I'm just hopeful that it starts to fill in, regardless of color or texture. In the meantime, I guess I could get some of that spray paint for hair, that used to be advertised for balding men, and fill in the bare spots!

Frivlous flutter!

I just did something quite frivolous and vain...I had eyelash extensions put on my eyes. I called about a month ago to inquire about them, and learned that the eyelashes are put on SINGLY, and are adhered to each of your own eyelashes. I told them that I didn't think I had enough eyelashes at that time, but would like to wait and come in after a month or so and let them see if I had enough to add to yet. And that was last week, Tuesday.

I went to my appointment thinking that I would have to keep my eyes open the whole time, with no blinking allowed, and wondered how I was going to be able to do that. To my surprise, the opposite was true...my eyes were closed the whole time. After showing me the different sizes, lengths and colors of eyelashes she had gotten out to try and match to my own lashes, and explaining the whole procedure and possible risks, she asked me to lay down on the table (standard doctor's office variety), get my head comfortable on the pillow and close my eyes.

She was very good at talking to me and explaining things as she went along. First, she put "cool pads" under my lower lids, which kept them still, as well as providing some "wrinkle relief" (it was kind of like putting cucumber slices on your eyelids, except these were under the eyes). Then she taped my upper eyelids to my eyebrows so that the edges of the lids and the lashes were fully exposed but my eyes closed. She then proceeded to gently glue each tiny lash to one of my own lashes, working from the outer edges inward for both eyes. It was all finished in about 30 minutes (people with full lashes take about 1 1/2 - 2 hours, averaging about 40 lashes per eye). It was now time for THE REVEAL!

Well, it wasn't what I expected. I had asked her before starting if she thought I had enough eyelashes yet to extend, and she said that she thought she could get enough of them (I have some really tiny, short lashes as well as longer lashes). And it seemed like she was really putting alot of them on me. So I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and didn't see my eyes awash in eyelashes! Realistically, I knew that I didn't have much to work on, but wishfully, I was hoping that she had worked miracles on my eyes and that they would look more like they used to. Instead, I only had about 10 lashes per eye, and they were all kind of doing their own thing! They looked perfectly natural, but I just didn't have enough to really see them. Rats.

On my way home from my appointment, I called Rich to tell him about them. He asked me how I liked them and when I hesitated, and then said that they weren't what I expected, he exclaimed "OH, NO", thinking that I had PERMANENTLY awful eyelashes now! I assured him that they weren't at all like my own first attempt with the false eyelashes...in fact, you could hardly even see these, they were so few. And in fact, he didn't even notice them when he got home that night, I had to point them out.

Sadly, these eyelashes didn't last as long as they were supposed to...probably due to the fact that they pretty much stood alone, and had no protection in numbers! They're supposed to last 6-8 weeks, but I lost one on my right eye the first night, and two on my left eye within the next two days, and yet another on my right eye yesterday. I think I probably accidently knocked them off whenever I rubbed my eyes or washed my face. I'm not used to having to be careful about eyelashes anymore. Finally, they were becoming so ridiculous looking that I removed the rest of them with eye makeup remover last night when I got ready for bed.

The funny thing is, that most of you have told me that you didn't even notice my lack of eyelashes until I wrote about it. My glasses frame my eyes and that seems to make up for them. Maybe I'll just leave well enough alone. Or maybe not.

You have a nice noggin!

That's what an old friend from college said to me this weekend as we were sitting around, catching up with each other's lives. I wasn't wearing my hat and, since I still don't have much hair on my head, my "noggin" was easy to see. I am fortunate, I guess, to have a nice head shape...there are no ugly scars or bumps...just a nicely rounded head with white peach fuzz growing all over it. But I'm ready for the real thing now...lots of silky, RED hair and it doesn't seem to be happening very fast.

My oncologist took notice of my lack of hair at my last appointment and set me up to see a dermatologist about the possibility of my having chemo induced alopecia. Now wouldn't that be just my luck? Just one more "possible" side effect to add to my list. But according to Dr. Amy, my hair should have looked like this back in June, so I was all for finding out what was going on.

I had to wait a couple of weeks to get in, so in the meantime I continued taking my prenatal vitamins. I started taking them a few weeks ago after a couple of people said that they had noticed a difference in their own hair growth when they took them. I figured, what can it hurt? I take a multi-vitamin anyway, so I just switched to these. I had some explaining to do, tho, when my son-in-law saw them on the kitchen counter!

I finally saw the dermatologist on Monday, and she took a small flashlight to my head and looked closely all around it. She told me that my follicles looked healthy and that there were lots of teeny tiny hairs starting to come in. The fuzz that I'm now seeing is the new (baby) hair that first appears. It will then get stronger and will fill in and have color. She thinks that my hair probably had a double whammy "fall out" reaction...first to the chemo, and then again about three months after chemo was finished. Of course, I thought to myself...my usual chemo "sensitivity". The good news, tho, is that I don't have alopecia! She suggested using Rogaine to help spur on those little hairs, so I stopped and bought some that day. It's a foam that you put on once in the morning and once at night. Smells good, too.

So, between that and my prenatal vitamins, I should look like Lady Godiva in no time!

I'm sitting on top of the world...

"I'm sitting on top of the world, just rolling along, just rolling along...
I'm quitting the blues of the world, just singing a song, just singing a song..."

These were the song lyrics that came to mind as I crested the top of the Crags this past week in Colorado Springs when visiting friends. The Crags are on the western slope of Pike's Peak and brought us up to an elevation of about 10,800 ft. Whew! I quickly found out how much different hiking at a high altitude is from what we're used to here in Michigan...I was out of breath in no time! I learned to just pace myself, drink plenty of water and rest when I needed to. The path was sometimes steep, but mostly a gradual incline through meadows of beautiful Aspen and the hardy Colorado pine trees. What was interesting was the Crags themselves...they are named that because of their craggy rock formations on the sides of the mountain. Their surface is very crumbly, which made walking down them especially tricky because you could slip on the loose gravel they easily produced. So I learned to walk on my tiptoes when the terrain was steep; otherwise your heels could slip out from under you.

The view from the top was unbelievable! It was a clear, sunny day without a cloud in the sky. We could see for miles and miles (that's another song that continually popped into my head...my mind is such a jukebox!), seeing several lakes and miles upon miles of open land, as well as the ring of mountains all around us. I've never seen a bluer sky, either. I felt tired when we reached the top of the Crags, but it was a good kind of tired. It made me feel healthy and physically well again, and thankful to have come through all that has been put before me these past months with such fortitude. It was another kind of challenge that I chose to conquer and be enriched from. Thank you, Karin and David, for sharing this special place with us!

P.S. How do I know the lyrics to such an old song? I was in a barbershop quartet in college and this was one of our songs!

I'm all aflutter!

It's been a few days since my last post, and I thought I'd bring you up to date with the continuing saga of my false eyelashes:

Q. Did Rich notice them?
A. Yes, after I raised my glasses off my nose and fluttered them at him. He immediately said, "those look awful, what do you have those on for?" Not very sensitive, but I totally agreed, and promptly pulled them off my eyes and flushed them down the toilet!

Q. How did I do with the second pair of eyelashes?
A. No drama this time! They're much easier to put on because they came with little pincher-like things to hold the lashes with.

The second pair look a lot more natural, as they don't have the liner look to them. The little pincher allowed me to hold them with one hand, while using a toothpick to apply a very small amount of glue to the base with the other hand. Then I just aimed for my eyelid and plopped it on! I'm finding that it's a real art to get them on straight and on the edge of the eyelid, though. With the first eye I had extra glue showing on my lid, but was able to wipe it off with a wet cutip (you really need special supplies to do this!). The second eye I did much better with and it was glue free. Both needed some straightening out after applying, but weren't too far off...not as bad as the first go 'round, that's for sure!

Q. How do I like wearing them?
A. I think I prefer the alien look I've been sporting for the past six months!

I've gotten quite used to the ease of just jumping in & out of the shower in the morning, putting lotion on, swiping lipstick on my lips, and calling it good! I now have to allow extra time to put on my eyelashes and, if I remember, to also draw on my eyebrows. What a hassle! I'd forgotten how much work it was to be a girl. I'm not sure I'm ready for this change! And the new lashes didn't stay on as well as the first pair...I must not have used enough glue. By the end of the day, they were lifting off my eyes at the outside edges...kind of like how a caterpillar lifts itself up to look around. But when I fluttered my eyelashes at Rich, this time he asked me how I liked them...he's a quick learner, too!

Flutter, flutter, flutter!

I'm so excited! My eyes are finally dry (it's been since March), which means I get to finally try out my new false eyelashes! The song phrase, "How dry I am", keeps cycling in my head like a broken record! It's such a good feeling to be free of the collection of tissues always in my pockets to dab my eyes with, and to no longer have chapped skin around my eyes from the constant tearing. It's amazing how much I was physically affected by this...it was like crying all of the time, and then being tired because of it.

But now it's over...one more obstacle out of the way! And it's time to try on those eyelashes I have tucked away in my drawer....

....Well, that was like being in an episode from "Candid Camera", trying to put those lashes on! First, I followed the picture showing to extract them from their case with tweezers, so I did. But in doing so, I bent the lashes on one end so they're a little off line with the rest. Then I tried to hold them with my fingers (which are stubby because my nails are not long enough yet to help out) and kept accidently touching the sticky part of the lashes and getting them stuck on my fingers, back and forth between hands, as I tried to unstick myself. By now, the whole eyelash is becoming a bit bent out of shape and losing its stickiness, and I haven't even attempted to put it on my eyelid yet!

I finally managed to get my fingers unstuck from the lashes and hold them up to my eye and press them on.....well, to borrow a line from a character in the book, "Little Bee", WU-ha, ha, ha!!!!!! I laughed so hard! I had it on so cock-eyed that I looked like a bald, hung-over drag queen! It took SEVERAL more attempts to get the dang thing on straight, and by now I was worried that the glue wouldn't stick anymore and it would end up hanging precariously from my eye!

Luckily, the second eyelash was much easier to put on (I'm a quick learner), but there was something about them that I didn't like. Was I just so used to my lashless self that it looked unnatural to me now? And they felt kind of heavy on my eyes. Then I realized that I had bought eyelashes that had an eyeliner look to them, and that's what was glaring at me...the dark lines outlining my naked, falsely eyelashed eyes. I decided to keep them on anyway and try them out for the day. I eyelined under my eyes to complete the look and left the house to do some errands.

My first stop was to Target to see what other eyelashes were available to me. Another chemo friend of mine had worn some for her "glam shot" with Dr. Liberty and they looked beautiful and natural on her because they didn't have the eyeliner look. And sure enough, there on the shelf were individual eyelashes you could add to your own eyelashes, two at a time (yikes, that would be a terrible undertaking without long nails), and whole eyelashes that looked individual but without the liner look. I selected the whole eyelashes and headed for the checkout.

I'm still wearing the eyelashes and wonder if Rich will even notice them. I'm very aware of them on my eyes...they really are kind of heavy and weird feeling. Tomorrow will be yet another fun day of trying on my newest pair...I hope that my skills improve with practice. But I'm determined that the next time you see me, I'll be fluttering my eyelashes at you!

The "girls"

WARNING: The following information may not be suitable for sissy men. Wifely supervision recommended.

It's been over a month now since my implant surgery. I've been back twice for my post-op visits to my surgeon and both of us are quite pleased with how my new girl looks. She's not the same as the other girl, but I knew that going in. My older girl is aging with me and will continue to, whereas my new girl will be forever perky! I've been asked which one I prefer, and to be honest with you, I like the older girl the best as she's the most natural looking and feeling of the two. And she ought to be, as the surgery for her was no picnic and was a real test of my physical and mental abilities.

The first girl's surgery is called a TRAM (Transverse Rectus Abdominus Myocutaneous) flap. It was done immediately following my mastectomy and consisted of taking the fat and tissue of my belly and tunneling it under my skin up to where my breast would be, all the while being connected to one of my stomach muscles which would provide the blood flow to the new breast. As a result of the stomach muscle being stretched so taut, I walked around like Groucho Marx for the first two weeks, until the muscle stretched enough to allow me to stand upright again. As a result, that muscle is weak and I can no longer do sit ups. Darn! It also was like having a tummy tuck. Goodie!

The surgery for an implant is done in two stages. In the first stage, which was also done immediately after my mastectomy, an expander shaped like a banana was placed under my skin where my breast would be and filled with saline. Every two weeks I went back to the surgeon to have more saline put in it through a port, which causes the expander to enlarge and thus stretch the skin to the size needed for the implant to slip into. In my case, though, my surgeon liked the shape and size I was immediately after the surgery, so he did not fill it with any more saline. I was ready for stage two right away, but because of my chemo, I had to wait until 6 weeks after my last infusion before it was safe for me to have surgery. The surgery consisted of re-opening my incision and taking out the expander, slipping in the deflated implant and then filling it with saline until it was the correct size and a tight fit.

Recovery for the TRAM flap surgery was a long, hard 6-8 weeks. Recovery for the implant surgery was about 1 1/2 weeks, and was a piece of cake. Which surgery would I recommend? I think I'd say the TRAM flap. It was a very tough road, and I questioned myself numerous times as to why I did this to myself, but the end result is so much more natural than the implant and won't require future surgeries as the implant will. Implants usually last only ten or so years and then need to be replaced, as they can develop leaks over time.

I told my surgeon and nurses that I would be glad to talk to patients who might be having a hard time deciding about which type of surgery to have. I want to share my experiences if they can help others. And I also told them that I could be a "two for one" show...if someone wants to see the results of both surgeries, all they have to do is compare my girls!

You lose all modesty when you lose your breasts.

When is shaving your legs a good thing?

The actual answer to that question is never. However, the current answer to that question is now, because it means that my hair is starting to grow back!

While sitting in the car for many hours during our recent road trip, I had plenty of time to study my feet and legs. And what I discovered was that my legs were beginning to look furry! They were a soft and blonde furry...not really noticable to anyone other than me...but none the less, proof of a rebirth going on in my body! For the first time since I was an awkward teenager, I was excited to have a reason to shave again! Even though the act of shaving again doesn't excite me much, it's sure a good sign that things are moving along.

The hair on my head has the same soft and blonde furry look coming in, but ever so slowwwwly. You have to look really close to see it, it is so fine. I am impatient for it to grow in, and very curious as to what color and texture it will be. I am still surprised every time I see my bald self in a mirror...you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But the reason for my current surprise is that I feel normal now, and expect that I look normal as well. I forget that I still look like a cancer patient, not like the rest of you. When I said this to Rich, he told me that's how he sees me every day...as someone who has been sick. My hair loss is a constant reminder to him of what I've been through. I never thought about that. I just thought that he saw me as my old self again, physically as well as spiritually, as I do in my mind.

I mentioned that I had plenty of time to study my feet, as well, on our trip. It seems that the chemo has had the same effect on my toenails as it did on my fingernails...it just took longer to happen. In particular, both of my big toenails have been the most affected and are quite loose...they are curious, empty shells on my toes. I have to be real careful when putting on shoes or sandals, so that I don't bump them and loosen them further. All was well until the end of our trip when I bumped my left toe and loosened the nail some more, so that when we went swimming later that day, the kicking of my feet in the water pretty much finished the job. Surprisingly, when I went inside and removed it, it didn't hurt at all...there was absolutely no feeling in my nailbed.

I've lost a few of my past side effects, but I've recently gained a new one...sensitivity to the sun and heat. I've heard the expression, "prickly heat", but now I have experienced it as well. It seems that whenever I get too warm my skin prickles now, up and down my body. And I've also come close to fainting, as well, from the heat. I drink plenty of water...you could float a boat in me...so that's not the reason. It's just my continued luck of the draw, I guess. This just shows how powerful and pervasive the effects of chemo are, and how long it can affect the body. I guess it also shows that it is still fighting the bad guys for me!

Feeling good!

This morning I have an appointment to see my oncologist and then get my chemo infusion. It's so nice to only be going every three weeks now, rather than weekly. It seems like a long time has passed, and a lot has happened, since my last infusion. My port has been cleaned out and I now have a new "girl"...all that in three weeks time! I'm feeling a little anxious, however, and am hoping that my port will be good to me today, but I'm taking a book and snack bars, just in case.

I continue to feel better and better! My energy level is returning in leaps and bounds (I'm walking 3 miles again, and played 9 holes of golf with a cart last week), my muscle stiffness is pretty much gone, my taste buds and appetite are back to normal, my water retention went away as did the extra pounds I gained, and the hair on my head is slowly coming back (no sign of eyelashes/brows yet). I still have the tearing eyes, but it is definately slowing down, finally. It's mostly just my right eye now, which is how it all started out, so I'm hoping that this means I'm nearing the end. In anticipation of having dry eyes again, I bought fake "glamour" eyelashes yesterday! I can hardly wait to try them and see how they look!

The funny thing about my feeling so good and much like my old self again is that I forget that I still don't LOOK like my old self, and so am always surprised by the person who greets me in the mirror! I'm not embarrassed anymore by my hairlessness, I just totally forget how others perceive me. I get special smiles or treatment from people in stores, which then reminds me that, oh yeah, I'm the woman with cancer. It doesn't upset me to be reminded of that...it just surprises me because in my own mind I'm not there anymore...I've moved on and feel healthy and spunky again!

I have discovered that I have developed a new fetish due to my baldness, however. Hats! Since I rarely wear my wigs anymore (Rich really prefers that I don't wear them...they're not "me"), I need hats! Even though my small head makes it a challenge to find them to fit me, I've managed to acquire quite a collection of them! But as I told Rich, it's like shoes...one color/style doesn't go with every outfit, you need variety! And we all know it's all about accessories! This weekend I discovered a trick to make my looser hats fit better...velcro! No, not on my head, as Rich suggested, but inside the brims of the hats. I glued just the soft, fuzzy half of the velcro around the inside of the hats and it provides just enough thickness to make them fit tighter! Yay! Now they don't slip over my eyes anymore!

Now that it's warm out, I'm driving my convertible more. I wasn't sure if I would want to drive it, being bald, and I was worried about my hats blowing off. But so far, my hats are staying on just fine, and I actually take them off sometimes because they can just be too hot to wear. So if you see a little bald-headed lady driving a cute, white convertible that's me! Now I just need to be sure to put sunscreen on my head so that my "virgin" skin doesn't burn! In the meantime, I seem to be acquiring freckles, as fill in for my hair!

Turn about is fair play!

I played 9 holes of golf last weekend and Marcia rode in the cart with me. On the 15th hole, I was leaning over to pick up a ball and she mentioned how much hair I had lost in the last few months (thanks for noticing!). I have seen the same trend in the morning mirror but have tried to ignore it. Don’t worry, my health is just fine.

I did, however, tell Marcia I partially blame her for my hair loss. I think the financial crisis over the last fifteen months also had a little something to do with it. The difference between her hair loss and mine is that her hair is growing back. I’m not quite as confident about mine. I guess she can get used to me with less hair as I have with her.

We are looking forward to a 2 week car vacation visiting family in upper New York State, then a tour through Ontario north and east of Lake Huron, a visit to Mackinac Island, and a couple days of golf and relaxation with old friends. We just realized Marcia has not had a night away from home in about six months. We love road trips and plan to leave the e-mail and voice mails at home. Life returning to normal sure feels good!

I'm living in the middle of Michigan Outdoors!

We live in the middle of 3 acres of wooded property, and over the years we have seen our share of wild animals. There have been the turkey families, who have sometimes defied me as I attempted to drive up to my garage; the moles, leaving lovely "soft spots" in our yard where their tunnels are; the squirrels, enjoying the bounty of acorns from our oak trees and helping to plant more; the deer, transforming my hostas into yucca-like plants after eating all the flowers and leaving just the stems; Chuck, the woodchuck, sunbathing on my deck when not eating my cone flowers (he sits on his haunches and eats, reminding me of Bugs Bunny eating a carrot); and now we have Fred, the red fox, living under our front deck, who we found out recently is really Fredrika because she has babies!

We've seen Fred off and on over the past two years, but Pearl is who discovered her babies for us. She and I had been hearing soft bumping noises under the deck when sitting in the kitchen. She decided to take a look out the kitchen door to the deck, and lo and behold, there were three fox babies playing in the ground cover! Pearl went crazy! I managed to catch her and gate her in the back hall so that I could watch. They were about the size of a beany baby and they played and rolled around like little puppies. We saw them off and on for about a week. Fred would leave treasures for them to eat (once we saw a rabbit leg, another time a squirrel tail and torso) at the "door" to their hideaway. But Pearl's barking must have finally spooked them because Fred eventually moved them to the woodpile in the backyard.

Nighttime is when we hear Fred and/or her mate. They are nocturnal animals, and so are out hunting in the woods when it's time for me to let Pearl out for her last potty break (don't worry, she's on a chain). Foxes make the creepiest sound...it's a very raspy, throaty bark. Fred doesn't come close, she just walks the perimeters of our yard, barking at us. I had no idea that foxes made any sound at all, until I googled "creepy night barking" and red foxes was one of the animals that came up. When I clicked on the YouTube video, I immediately saw and heard a fox barking like Fred does! Even knowing what the bark is, I still don't like it and always go outside with Pearl at night, armed with my weapon-like flash light that I shine out in the woods! When I've caught Fred in the light, her eyes glowed red....euwwwwww!

It didn't take long for the fox family to miss the spaciousness of our deck, so they soon moved back. And suddenly I counted FOUR babies, instead of three. And then in another week or so, while watching the four of them play (my living room chair is a front row seat to watch them), I noticed another head poke out from under the deck...a FIFTH baby! By now my plants are getting destroyed by their antics, as they think our deck and surrounding ground cover are their own personal playground! We have a three-tiered fountain that we haven't taken the cover off of yet, because they think it's a jungle gym for them and we can only imagine how much more fun splashing in the water would be!

In the meantime, poor Pearl has been going crazy with these babies always around. She spends her days going from window to window, looking for them, and when they're around she is beside herself. And as much as I enjoy watching them (they're so dang cute), they're upsetting the balance of our happy home. So on Thursday, I called animal control.

My first question I asked was do they catch and release, to which she said yes. Good. But when I told her what kind of animals I wanted caught, there was a pause, and then she said she didn't know of anyone who has ever caught red foxes because most people like having them around to catch mice and other small pesky animals. But she was excited and wanted to take the challenge! So out she came with five large cages, which she baited with cat food, sardines, and dead mice! She put them near each opening we found by the deck and told me to call her if we caught any before she came back to check on them later in the day. That night I had a hard time sleeping...I felt so guilty betraying my babies!

Well, there's a reason for the saying, "sly as a fox", because the foxes outsmarted us! They took one look at the cages, and got out of town! They didn't touch the yummy food (except for one can of cat food that was set out on the deck and not in a cage...they took off with that one!), they just decided to relocate again. I did catch them on the deck on Friday when I came home from doing errands, but the babies just made a dive for under the deck, and Fred calmly walked out in the yard, watching me (in the car). I rolled down my window and told her to take her babies and run for it...I really didn't want them to get caught, I just want them out from under my deck!

On Monday, we surrendered and the traps were all taken away. We didn't catch the foxes, but hopefully we've caused them to relocate permanently somewhere else. In the meantime, I've ordered a couple of solar and ultrasonic animal repellers that I'll put out in the yard and hope that helps deter the foxes, and also the deer. We still hear Fred at night barking at us, but maybe these will help keep her from coming close again. Who's out-foxing who?!

Bombs away, she's feeling fine!

That's what Jill's fancy new phone thought she said when she attempted to voice command text this morning after my surgery! What she really said was "Mom's okay, she's feeling fine"! And it's true, all went well and I'm feeling swell (the drugs made me say that)!

We had to be at the hospital by 6:45 this morning. It's pretty sad that I didn't have to show my driver's license to the girls at the front desk when I checked in because they already knew who I was! I wish it was because I'm so memorable, not because I've had a few surgeries there! Actually, they do remember me from when I volunteered in the Surgery Waiting Room a few years ago, but I know that my frequent "visits" there help keep me fresh in their minds.

Anyway, everything went on time...in fact, they were ready ahead of time and anxious for the nurse to hurry up and get me hooked up with my IV so they could wheel me away (don't worry, she didn't rush through anything)! Dr. Dodde came in first and drew diagrams all over my chest as he explained my surgery again. With saline implants, the actual implant is not inflated when inserted and is much smaller and easier to insert than a silicone implant (which would be full of the silicone before inserting). Once inside me, the implant is filled with saline until the proper size is achieved. Then they sew me up again and put me in another corset-like bra again, which I have to wear until my post-op appointment next week. The surgery took about an hour, and after I was able to eat my toast and drink my oj I was allowed to go home.

So far, I'm feeling absolutely no pain or discomfort, other than a slightly sore throat from the breathing tube during surgery (I've been coughing and clearing my throat alot to clear my chest). I seem to be well matched now, but I won't be able to actually see "the girls" for a few days yet when I'm allowed to take my corset off and shower!

Well, I'm a little sleepy, and a nap is next on my agenda (Rich and Jill are already napping...what's wrong with this picture?!). I know I'll have sweet dreams now that my surgery is behind me. One more thing to cross off my list!

Yippee...we have blood!

The last three times that I have had chemo, my port has given me trouble again. It flushes beautifully, but when we try to draw blood from it, we're unsuccessful, most likely due to a clot in the port. My nurse then injects my port with heparin, which is a blood thinner, and then every half hour, she tries to draw blood. This past Tuesday I was at the clinic for an additional three hours before we finally drew blood from my port!

With my implant surgery coming up on Monday, I asked my nurse if I should ask my surgeon about the possibility of replacing or cleaning my port at the same time, and she told me it was worth asking about since it's been giving us so much trouble. So I scooted over to my surgeon's office after I was done with chemo and posed my question to his nurse, who said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me the next morning. When she called, she told me that surgery was not an option yet; that they needed me to have an ultrasound of my port first, to determine what was wrong. She was able to arrange that for the following day.

On Thursday afternoon I went to the hospital where they injected my port with dye and then slid me under the ultrasound scanner so they could see what was going on with my port. They were able to see that I have a little "flap" at the entry of my port, which is a glob of blood that is causing the blockage. The flap gets pushed out of the way when my port is flushed, but when drawing blood the suction brings the flap up into the opening, thus blocking it. Aha! It was then explained to me that there were two ways they could try to dislodge the flap. The first option would be to inject my port with a very strong dose of heparin and allow it to stay in my port for 24 hours before trying to draw blood. The next option, if that didn't work, would be to go up through a vein in my groin and pull the flap out. Ugh.

I had the strong dose of heparin injected in my port that afternoon, and then was asked to come back on Friday afternoon so they could see if it worked. I am pleased to say that when I went back to the hospital and they pulled back the syringe that was in my port, we saw beautiful, dark red blood immediately! Yippee! My port is working again!

Guess who's in the funny pages!

My chemo journey has been interesting, to say the least, but there have been some bright spots along the way. One of them was when Rich forwarded my blog, "Look good, feel better", to someone at the Grand Rapids area American Cancer Society (ACS) because he felt they would appreciate hearing from a participant about how special their program was for chemo patients. They liked it so much that it was published in their national newsletter to members of ACS! I was so flattered!

And then this week I learned from the ACS that Sunday is National Cancer Survivors' Day, and that the Grand Rapids Press is doing an article featuring area survivors. When someone from the Press called the ACS for names of cancer survivors they could interview, mine was one of several suggested. And it turns out that I was one of only five selected! I did a phone interview yesterday and hope I came across all right. I was more talkative than I thought I would be and one never knows how the spoken word will turn out when written! They were going to have a photographer from the Press take my picture this morning but it didn't work out, so the photo that was taken of me at the studio (for Relay for Life) will be used instead. Again, I'm very flattered by it all!

So this Sunday, look for the article on cancer survivors in the Grand Rapids Press! Hopefully the reporter did me justice and I won't be relegated to the funny pages!

Saline vs silicone

My implant surgery is fast approaching (June 14) and I had to make a decision as to which kind of implant I wanted so they could order it for me...saline filled or silicone filled. I've really struggled with this, as I want to make sure I choose what is best for me. I want the one that requires the least amount of worry or maintenance, as I've already had enough worry and maintenance issues to last a lifetime!

One of the main differences in the implants is how they feel. The saline implants tend to feel hard (like rocks, according to one friend) and the silicone implants are said to have a more natural feel to them. Which would make me inclined to go with the silicone. However, I have to consider the possibility of the implant rupturing, and what issues I would have to address with that. I googled the Mayo Clinic on what they had to say about implants and they restated that it was never proved that leaking silicone from implants caused any health issues, such as cancer, so from that viewpoint, both types of implant are equally safe to use. However, dealing with a ruptured implant is quite different between the two of them. Here is what the Mayo Clinic had to say:

"When a breast implant is placed in your body, a fibrous capsule of scar tissue typically forms around the implant. If a silicone breast implant ruptures, you may not notice right away — or ever. For that reason, the Food and Drug Administration recommends monitoring silicone breast implants with routine MRI scans every two years, starting three years after the initial implant surgery."

"If a silicone breast implant ruptures, the leaking silicone gel may cause inflammation of the fibrous capsule and the formation of additional scar tissue. The result may be a hard capsule around the breast implant that may distort the shape of your breast and cause pain or discomfort. If this happens, you'll need surgery to remove the ruptured implant. A new implant can likely be inserted at the same time."

"If a saline breast implant ruptures, the implant will deflate — causing the affected breast to change in size and shape. The leaking saline solution will be absorbed by your body without posing any health risks, but you'll probably need surgery to remove the silicone shell. A new implant can likely be inserted at the same time."

After reading both of these explanations, I have come to a decision...SALINE! It seems to have the least issues to deal with, and that's what I'm looking for. Neither option lasts a lifetime, so I know I'm looking at another surgery, ten or more years down the road to replace it. In the meantime, I hope you never see me looking lopsided. If you do, it'll mean I've deflated and I really don't want that to happen!

The 25% club

Some of you have commented to me that you've never heard of some of the side effects I've had from chemo. Of the 15 or so possible side effects, I've experienced 10 of them! My nurse said that only 25% of chemo patients are usually affected by so many of the odd ones that have adopted me...I seem to be extra sensitive. Aren't I the lucky one?!

My latest side effect started just after my 5th nasty chemo infusion...my ankles became swollen. The swelling has seemed to come and go and not be bothersome until this past weekend when I was standing around quite a bit. My feet, ankles and lower legs/knees swelled up like sausages! It's all water retention from the chemo and, according to my research, it occurs just after the 5th cycle of taxotere (chemo), which puts me right on schedule! I've called my doctor and will probably be put on a diuretic to help get rid of the extra fluid. It sounds like I may be making frequent trips to the bathroom as a result, though!

The good news is, my energy level is slowly getting better! I still tire easily, but I'm feeling alot more alert and perky than I have in the past weeks. It should only get better with time!

No hair regrowth to report yet, but I do have some fuzz leftover from when Rich buzzed me. I'll probably be switching over to wearing scarves and baseball caps now, with the coming of the warm weather. And once I have some thickness to my fuzz, I'll muster up the courage to go bare-headed!

Ponderings

Yesterday I almost had to remind myself to go to chemo! Now that my nasty chemo is over, it's as if I've shut the door on that chapter of my life, but in fact I have to remember that I still have a ways to go on my journey, even though it's easier. But I've been misleading myself in my calling this chemo my "easy" one...it's easy because of it's lack of visible, day to day side effects. But the fact of the matter is, it's a dangerous chemo that can cause heart failure, and so it is monitored every three-four months by having a MUGA scan (MUltiple Gated Acquisition Stand) which produces a moving image of the heart, from which the health of the heart's major pumping chamber (the left ventricle) can be assessed. This is done by putting a radioactive dye in my veins and then placing me under a special "gamma" camera, which takes movies of my moving heart. I had my first MUGA scan before I started chemo in January, and I am scheduled to have my second scan on Monday. I'm not anticipating any problems, it just brings me back down to earth a little.

As I continue to celebrate each day's progress, knowing that it will only get better from here on, I can't help but be reminded of how, "there, but for the grace of God, go I". I am so thankful for how early my cancer was found, how treatable it was and how tolerable the treatment has been. Anytime I thought I might be feeling too sorry for myself, I would just remember how blessed I have been with tremendous doctors and care, and by all the wonderful love and support I continue to receive from so many loving people. I have two friends who are currently facing a cancer crisis of their own...one newly diagnosed, and the other fighting to get through her stem cell transplant. I admire them the courage they are showing as they face their own adversaries, ready to meet them head on. We may initially shake in our boots with fear, but it's that fear that motivates us to move forward,conquer and, as best we can...to be warriors.

Bring out the hats and horns!

Yippee! Today was my last nasty chemo! Everything went smooth as clockwork...I got a good checkup with the doctor, got into a private room immediately (usually we have to start in the main sitting room with several other patients), my port worked, and my lunch bag didn't leak, at least not when I was using it (I put the ice in a baggy inside the lunch bag, which then leaked once the ice melted)! I have three more weekly, easy chemos before they are changed to being every three weeks through the rest of the year. I will definately be glad when that happens!

I am now losing my fingernails...augh! They started out looking like they had dark bruises on the nailbeds, but now that is turning to a yellowish color and the nails are loosening. I've been assured that they will all grow back quickly and normally...no deformities will occur, so I'm glad for that. I look like I have a bandaid fetish, though, as they are tender and I need to cover them to protect them!

Both Jill and Anne called me immediately after I got home, to celebrate the end of my nasty chemo with me. And a beautiful bouquet of flowers was delivered from Jill & Matt, to further congratulate me on my "marvelous adventure"! They have all been rocks through this, and I am so grateful for all of their love and support.

And my wonderful, thoughtful husband continues to spoil me! You remember he bought me red patent leather Kate Spade shoes before my surgery? Well, on the way home from my chemo today he looked over at me and asked me what was in the pocket of my car door. I looked, expecting to see something I had left by accident, and saw that there was a jewelry box there, instead! It was wrapped in silver paper with a big red bow...I was so surprised! Inside, was a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet, to celebrate the end of my nasty chemo! Oh, my!! What a wonderful surprise! I immediately put it on and I feel like a queen! And he is my knight in shining armor! His unfailing love and support has kept me going through the good and the bad, and I am so blessed to have him in my life.

P.S. We had one more celebration after dinner. Since I can't have any alcohol for the first five days after chemo, we went to Captain Sundae, where I got my usual Tommy Turtle!! Yum, yum!

Smile for the birdie!

Last month when I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon, Liberty Hoberman, she asked me if I had heard of the American Cancer Society's fundraiser, Relay for Life. She told me that she was putting together a team from the office, and was asking a few of her patients if they would be willing to be professionally photographed as inspiration to other cancer fighters and survivors. She went on to tell me that she loved my smile and twinkling eyes, and wondered if I would like to be one of those patients! I said yes, of course!

So, yesterday we gathered together at DeVries studio, after meeting first at Alpen Rose for lunch and introductions. There were seven of us in all, including Liberty, and we all dressed in black. Two of us wore hats (I was one of those), one wore her wig and the other three showed off their new hair. We were photographed individually and then as a whole group, with Liberty in the center. It was a powerful experience to be among other strong, positive women who have come through cancer and chemo on the winning side. We laughed and talked and compared experiences, and found that we had a lot in common, of course. They were a gentle and kind group of women, and I felt proud to have been asked to be a part of them.

We were able to see the photo results immediately and we all chose our favorite shots of ourselves. They all were beautiful, and dramatic with our being dressed in black. I think we were all pleasantly surprised! Liberty plans on having the photos of each of us blown up and set on easels by their booth at Relay for Life. We were each asked to write down a word that sums up our experiences, and those words will be placed under our photos. So if you're participating in the Relay, which is June 4 & 5, be sure and look for my smiling face on one of the easels!

Eureka!

Last week when I had my "nasty" chemo, I decided to do an experiment. A few days earlier I had been in to see the nurse about my fingernail that is falling off (ick) and, in the process of conversation, she told me about a study she had just read having to do with taxotere (one of my nasty chemos) and resulting burns on hands. The study found that if you iced your hands for the entire time you were given the taxotere, it greatly reduced the probability of burning because the cold constricts the blood vessels, making it harder for the taxotere to spread there. I was all ears! So, on Tuesday, I dutifully took my insulated lunch bag with me to fill with ice, and a pair of "surgical" gloves to protect my hands from getting wet and chapped.

When it was time for the taxotere, I went to the ice machine and filled my lunch bag with ice, put on my gloves and settled down for an hour of iced hands. About ten minutes went by and suddenly I felt cold water trickling in my lap...my lunch bag leaked! Oh, no! My experiment was doomed from the start! I tried putting a towel under my bag, but it was not to be...I was still getting quite wet. So Rich dumped the ice for me while I mourned the failure of my experiment. But then my eyes fell upon the large container of pop I had sitting on my table...full of lovely ice. Why don't I just hold onto that for an hour? And that's just what I did! It was easy to hold on to and I was able to move my hands around and get them all nice and cold for the time it took to finish the taxotere. And guess what? It worked! I noticed a couple of small red splotches on my hands yesterday that would have turned into large burns without the icing, but these are hardly visible, and don't hurt at all!

Good news...I have a brain!

It's been an interesting few weeks for me. I have a history of having migraine headaches, preceded by an aura which can start as a "star" in my vision or a "half moon", both of which are glowing and then spread and eclipse my vision for about half an hour. In the past, the aura would be followed by a killer of a headache (the migraine), but lately I've just been having the auras without the pain. ALOT of them. Yesterday I had two, back to back, within a half hour. When I told my doctor about these, she told me that she wanted me to have these checked out immediately, to rule out any cancer that might be going on in my head. We really didn't think anything was wrong other than my hormones going crazy from the chemo because of my previous history of having migraine auras, but she is very pro-active and wanted to be absolutely sure. So she scheduled a CAT scan for me. The whole process took about 15 minutes. I checked in at the hospital, the tech found a good vein in my arm and hooked me up, injected me with the radioactive dye, slid me in the "tunnel" and took a couple of pictures of my head. That was it! Rich hardly even had a chance to turn the page of his magazine before I was back out and ready to go home. And the good news is that, contrary to popular opinion, I HAVE A BRAIN! It may be just a little pea brain, but it's there and is HEALTHY! No cancer! So, yippee! This is just one more weird side effect I'll have to put up with, I guess, but at least I finally know there's something inside my head!

My shoeboxes

The night before my surgery last November, Rich gave me a beautifully wrapped gift. When I opened it, there were a pair of red patent leather Kate Spade shoes inside the box, just my size! I was overwhelmed by his thoughfulness...and sneakiness, for he had asked a friend of ours to shop for them while in Chicago on her own shoe shopping venture. I saved the box and soon used it to hold all of the cards I was receiving daily from so many of you dear friends. But soon the box was overflowing with cards and I needed another box to hold them all. I had just the one! I had recently purchased a pair of hot pink Nike "warrior" shoes and the box was much larger, so I transferred all of the cards into this box instead. But now I am finding that I need to use BOTH boxes, as this box is now overflowing with cards, also! I don't think a day has gone by without my receiving at least one card in the mail. Your love and support by way of cards and notes has been phenomenal. To you it may be just a card to let me know you're thinking of me, but to me it's a connection to you...a way of knowing I'm not forgotten or alone on my journey. Thank you for continuing to be here for me.

Manicures and crocodile tears

One of my latest side effects of chemo is sensitive finger nails. I've been told to keep them cut short so that they don't catch on anything, because there's a possibility that they could come off. Eeuw! So today I decided to play manicurist to myself (I can't have them professionally done because of the chance of infection) and sat down to take off the old polish. That was when my second latest side effect kicked in again....excessively watering eyes, mostly the right eye! I could hardly see anything through the giant tears that kept welling up! I managed to get the polish off without too much trouble seeing ( I THINK I got it all off!) but when it came time to put the new polish on, that was another matter altogether! Try imagining your eyes full of tears and then trying to see something closely...it's all a blurr, isn't it? Well, that's pretty much my new world now, with my watery eyes. I even have trouble reading because they tear up so much that all becomes a blurr. There's nothing to be done for it, unfortunately. Another friend of mine had the same side effect and it eventually went away, so I'll just hang in there. Please don't be critical of my manicure, though...it's the best I could do under the circumstances. And please don't think I'm crying all the time...it's just the latest chapter of my marvelous adventure!

Look good, feel better

Last week I was able to take part in a Look Good/Feel Better session that the American Cancer Society hosts for cancer patients undergoing chemo treatment. They offer these sessions once a month, free of charge, and all you have to do is show up at the appointed time. It's a WONDERFUL thing to be offered! There were only three of us who showed up, but we were all able to feel at ease with eachother immediately and compare experiences. We were all a little different with our surgeries and chemos, but the underlying emotion we all shared was that we wanted to LOOK and FEEL normal in the un-normal world we are currently a part of.

We all sat at a large table together, each with a makeup mirror, and then were all given a large lunch-sized bag, that was sealed closed, for only us to open. And when we opened them, it was like CHRISTMAS! Various makeup artists had enclosed their own special products in our bags...artists such as Bobbi Brown, Aveda, Clinique, Avon, Marykay...the list goes on! We had eye liners and eybrow pencils, lip glosses and lip liners, blushes and concealers and foundations, bronzers and eyeshadows, lotions and creams! It was unbelievable what we found inside our own personal bag! And it was all ours to learn to use and keep!

We were guided by a gentle and kind woman, who herself is a cancer survivor. She used to be a beautician, but now enjoys volunteering for the ACS and in other ways. She helped us sort through our goodies and showed us how to "grow" eyebrows again with the use of a pencil. She showed us how to put glows back on our faces, and smiles on our lips. All the while doing this, we were reassuring ourselves, and eachother, that we could still be US in another form. And we could totally BE OURSELVES with eachother, as we were all on the same journey. Off came the wigs and hats, and on came the sharing of ideas and questions...where to shop for wigs and hats, how to wear bras after mastectomies, what kinds of side effects did we have. We talked without embarrassment or feeling like we were different. We felt almost normal, in our own differences. It was very freeing for all of us to just talk openly and be GIRLS again, as we all put on our new makeup. Thank you, ACS, for letting us look good and feel better!

Ketchup and Chocolate Chip Cookies

My tastebuds are starting to play funny tricks on me. Things that used to taste wonderful to me, now either have no taste at all, or have no appeal to me anymore. Rich and I went out for hamburgers the other night and I put ketchup on my fries and on my burger...and ended up scraping it all off immediately! I couldn't tolerate the taste anymore...it was awful! Just the thought of ketchup suddenly made me want to gag! I had to quickly call Anne to tell her, because neither she or her boyfriend, Kellen, like ketchup in any way, shape or form and I knew she would be thrilled to add me to their club! She laughed when I told her, but then asked me not to bake or eat any chocolate chip cookies for fear that the same thing would happen to those, and she thinks I make the best cookies in the world!

I had been told earlier by another chemo survivor that if there's anything I wish I DIDN"T like to eat so much, that I should eat it during chemo because I would probably grow to dislike it and never eat it again. I can see the truth to that theory, already. I no longer have cravings for any of the Super Bowl foods I couldn't get enough of. Cookies and cake and anything sweet has no appeal anymore. Nothing really calls to me when it comes to meal time. Weird things are popping up in my diet trials now, like Spaghettios did today. For some reason, that old stand-by for when my kids were little had some appeal to me, so I ate a few bites along with some crackers and peanut butter. Not bad. I didn't eat much of it (I didn't want to jinx a good thing) but I figured I at least got some carbs and protein in my tummy. Last night a friend brought dinner over and some freshly cut fruit. I couldn't get enough of the fruit! It was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted! Thank goodness for all you kind souls who are bringing dinners to us during these nasty chemo days, or who knows what we would be eating. Not much, that's for sure. Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts (and tummies!).

Comments from the peanut gallery (that'd be Rich)

I thought it was time to give you all a medical update. We spoke to the oncology doctor on Tuesday and received a very positive update. Marcia is reacting well to the Chemo. Her white blood cell count is not too low and she is recovering well from the ongoing treatments. She has two more major treatments, with the last one occuring on April 27. Since it takes a couple of weeks to start feeling better, we expect to return to some resemblance of normal in mid May. She will continue a less invasive treatment every three weeks from May through the end of the year. These are not expected to be major (easy for me to say) and the hair will come back and the other side effects diminish in May. The doctor indicated that the long term prognosis is excellent with little active follow-up. June brings a final reconstruction surgery. We are thankful for great doctors, caring nurses, and complete health insurance. We don't know what we would do if we didn't have all three.

Many of you have asked how I am doing. Well, I'm doing okay... just okay. We have certainly learned that Marcia is the real source of personal strength in our household. In other words, I think I am the weenie! We have received many kindnesses from you in the form of meals, phone calls, cards, prayers, and positive thoughts. In the past, I have heard, and sometimes said, we are thinking/praying for you. To be honest, until this process, I never really understood what they meant. During this process, I think I have actually pysically felt your support. I sometimes think I can reach out and touch a cloud of support and caring that seems to surround us. It has reminded me of the importance of moving beyond the daily events of our lives and remembering the things that matter the most. We have always learned from the medical challenges in our family and you all have taught us how to gracefully receive help and appreciate what others can do for us. I think it will make us both more thoughtful as other people in our lives deal with life's challenges. Thanks.

We expect to lay low for the next eight weeks. When spring and Tulip Time arrives, we will re-emerge and move on. We will not, however, forget what you have meant to us during this time.

To toss or not to toss!

You know, it's interesting how much hair affects your self image. I always knew that my moods could be affected by having a bad hair day, but I never realized how much importance we put on having good hair. And how much having hair signifies being healthy. I think that's the hardest part for me. I've already said that I feel like there's a big "C" on my forehead, but why am I embarrassed by it? Why isn't my old "devil may care" attitude kicking in more?

When I was in high school, my parents didn't allow me to wear shorts to school. Well, I got around that by wearing them underneath my skirts (sorry, Dad) and then, while at my locker, I'd drop my skirt and step out of it right there in the hallway, for the shock value!! Where is that person I used to be? Why can't I just toss off my wig or hat whenever I want to?

I was at my favorite store the other morning, doing my usual cycle of making returns and then finding new things to purchase. I came across the hats and, as luck would have it, I had worn a cute hat that day with a knit cap underneath it so I could actually try these hats on without doing my fake out in the dressing room again (not that I would have had to fake anything...my cart was getting full!). But as I tried on the hats, I felt like I was drawing attention to myself in a way that I'm not accustomed to...like I wasn't just a normal person out shopping any more.

It's hard to describe the feelings I've had, or the reasons for them. I remember feeling like I was bragging (by bringing attention to myself) when I first put the pink survivor ribbon magnet on my car after my first bout of breast cancer (I actually heard someone else describe having these same feelings the other night on t.v.). And now I feel like people are watching me because I'm "different" now. What will it take for me to embrace my baldness and all that it stands for, and turn it into a positive, creative part of me?

It's funny, but since that day I've come to realize that I actually feel more comfortable and "normal" in hats and scarves than I do in my wigs. When I have my wig on, I don't feel normal at all, as I thought I would. I feel like I'm pretending to be me and I become more self-conscious, worrying that it's on straight or that it's going to shoot off of my head. When I am wearing a hat, there's no more pretense...I am me, I'm undergoing chemo and I'm bald. And I'm normal (well, Rich would dispute that claim). I just need to learn that it's okay to be bald (even though my head is small!). And maybe I just need to toss my wig in the air and see what happens!

Am I done yet?

People have been asking me if all is well, because I haven't posted anything on my blog lately. And I've had requests for current pictures of myself, so I guess I'd better do something about this!

For starters, the new picture I'm posting is of me standing with my new Friendship Quilt that was made by many loving hands from The Bank of Holland. I was invited to attend their weekly staff meeting today, on the pretext that the guest speaker was someone I would really be interested in hearing talk. So at 7:30 a.m. I dutifully walked up to the training room (where the meeting was) and found a seat...in the front row. I soon was to discover that there was no speaker... that the "meeting" was actually just a way to present Jodi, another cancer fighter, and me with our beautiful quilts. We were both totally surprised and humbled by these thoughtful gifts. It has been such fun looking at and reading all the different patches... they are all so clever and lovingly made. I have already wrapped mine around me today to keep me warm as I rested after my busy day. I feel surrounded by loving hands...thank you again, to all of you.

I really don't have anything else that is new to report. My old experiences continue to be my current experiences, just cumulative in nature now. My poor hands are "burned" again, only this time my knuckles and lower thumbs are involved. I'm going through the peeling stages now, only to have the burns probably begin all over again next week with my "big nasty" chemo. My face continues to get bright red and splotchy for the first week after chemo, so I'm not too pretty to look at for quite a few days. The newest side effect that I'm having is weakness in my leg mucles. I can hardly climb a flight of stairs without my legs screaming at me as if I'd just done one too many leg squats! My walking in the morning has been lessened by this, and riding my exercise bike is out because my legs just can't do it without screaming at me. I can walk regularly just fine...they're not weak that way. I just can't go long distances without getting tired. So in the meantime, I am gaining weight and I don't like THAT at all!

Curiously, I have not lost all of my hair at this point in time, but everything continues to get thinner. My eyebrows need enhancing with an eyebrow pencil, and my eyelashes get a boost from liner...but they're still there! My head is not completely bald...it has teeny baby hairs sprouting on it. What I miss the most in all of this are my taste buds! Nothing even sounds good to eat anymore, let alone tastes good. I'm eating balanced meals, just not much at any time. Let's just say that my journey is a challenge!

Hats, wigs or scarves?

Well, the novelty has worn off. I'm not as enamored with wearing wigs as I first was. Not having bad hair days seems to be in the past, or I've lost my touch, as I can't seem to feel comfortable with my wigs on anymore. The bangs seem to be in my eyes, or the back feels like it's inching up like a rubber band about to be released. I check to make sure it's on right, and usually it only needs a slight adjustment to make it straight, but it still doesn't feel right. But I guess the real question is, what feels right about wearing a wig?

I stopped at Macy's on my way home from having my car serviced today and wore my wig so that I would look "normal". I wanted to see if they had any cute hats. But as I stood in front of the mirror with a couple of hats in hand, I wondered how I was going to try them on. What a strange feeling that was! I decided to fake having to try something on in the dressing room (I thought it would look strange taking just hats in), and walked around until I found a shirt I could pretend I wanted and took it and the hats inside. I then went to the very last dressing room so that there'd be no chance of anyone walking by and seeing me pluck my hair off my head. Ahhhh, it felt so good to take my wig off for those few moments...and it felt so normal.

I did come home with two new hats, but after wearing one of them for a while, realized that it was too warm to wear as an inside hat. What a dummy I was...they were fleece hats to wear outside in the cold, not inside in the warm! But they were so soft and cozy! I then decided that maybe I needed to try scarves instead, so I untied the scarf I had around my neck and tried to see if I could do anything creative with it on my head. I folded it in half lengthwise and tied it in the back and then twisted it up around the sides and tied/twisted it on the top of my head. Voila! I think I'm on to something! It certainly is a lot cooler than a hat or wig, and with all the twisting involved, it gives my tiny little head some added dimension! This just may be the new me!

Knit hat + socks + gloves = ready for bed

Poor Rich. Just when he thought my wearing flannel jammies was bad enough, now he has to contend with my additional attire! The hat and socks don't make it through the night, as my head and feet warm up eventually. But the gloves are kept on to keep the Bag Balm on my hands, not the bedding. This morning Rich told me he had nightmares all night. When I asked him what he dreamed about, he said "cows". When I asked him why he dreamed about cows, he said it was because of the udder cream (Bag Balm) he smelled all night. Oh, he thinks he's so funny!

We spent this past weekend with five other couples we've know since our college days, and stayed at one of the couple's cottage just north of Grand Rapids. There's nothing like being with old friends who know you well. Lots of love and warm fuzzies among us, and tons of laughs. We took long walks along the lake, and made up our own version of Curling, enjoying eachother's company and the warm, sunny weather outside. One of the gals brought along her new power point projector and we were able to see pictures we had brought of our families and vacations, and some of the pictures went back to when our group first started getting together in the 80's. Oh, the hairstyles and clothes we wore. And how cute our kids were. Where has all the time gone?

I was the first to slip upstairs to bed for the night, and was surprised to realize that in the midst of all this love and happiness, I felt sad. It was like I suddenly remembered that I had cancer, and I didn't like that at all. No one had treated me differently; we talked freely about my chemo and my journey. But I think that being in the midst of all the normalcy of the weekend I realized that things really weren't normal, not for me at least. I didn't cry, I just reflected on why I was feeling this way. For the first time, I was very conscious of having to wear a hat or wig all the time, and it made me feel that big "C" on my forehead again. Sure, my wigs and hats are fun for short periods of time, but wearing them all the time as I did this weekend just reminded me of WHY I'm wearing them.

I guess I was due for a "pitty party" sooner or later, and mine didn't last long. It was just more of a reality check for me, and I've moved on from it. Tomorrow is my third "bad chemo" infusion which means that I'm half way through, and that's cause for celebration!

You can call me Michael

I'm sitting here typing with cotton gloves on, as my hands are slathered with Bag Balm. My latest chemo side effects are cracked & peeling finger tips, and what looks like burns on the sides of my hands. Not too attractive or comfortable, but the Bag Balm has a soothing effect. The typing is a bit slow, as the gloves are not very tactile. But I'm muddling through, and my hands feel much better.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I had my "easy chemo" in the morning and when I arrived, all of the private rooms were filled so I had to sit out in the large gathering room with about nine other patients who were receiving their chemo. It was a mixed group of mostly older men and women, but there were a couple of women who were probably in their 30's...much too young to be dealing with cancer. Some were talking with their family or friends, one couple played cribbage, and some napped while their loving spouse quietly watched over them. The kindness of the nurses and the tender loving care of family and friends in this room was beautiful to see. I felt very humbled, and thankful that I have a chemo regiman that is tolerable and a cancer that is curable.

I did have a small problem with my port, though. My nurse, Wendy, needed to draw blood from it before giving me my chemo and it wasn't cooperating. She was able to flush it with saline to clear it, but it wouldn't let her draw any blood out of it, so I was given Heperin, a blood thinner, to break down any clotting that may be in the port. After waiting the required 30 minutes, Wendy came back and tried again and it still wouldn't draw blood. Wendy asked another nurse to check the line and make sure I was "plugged in" correctly and she said I was, so Wendy gave me a stronger dose of Heperin, and I waited another 30 minutes before she could try again. And again, it wouldn't draw blood. So I asked her if maybe she should "unplug me" and then "plug me in" again to see if maybe the needle was angled funny, and she did. And guess what...it worked!! So she hooked me up to my chemo bag, and away I went.

The fortunate thing about all the extra time I spent waiting for my port to work, is that I took my knitting with me and was able to finish my vest! And as soon as I got home I stitched all the pieces together and tried it on and.....well, it's okay, but I wouldn't win any knitting awards! But at least I finished it, and with barely any yarn to spare.

Who's the redhead sitting next to me in the movie theater? (a blog by Rich)

That’s just one of many questions that I have had over the last few months. We all get so used to being with those close to us that we sometimes do not really look at them anymore. Well, looking at Marcia with no wig and Marcia with a red wig still is still getting my attention! I really think hair is over-rated...especially as more of mine goes down the bathroom drain each morning.

I seem to be getting more comfortable with the questions that go along with cancer treatment. What is the long-term prognosis? How will she deal with the cumulative effects of the chemo treatments? How will I be able to shave her head? Will I be able to show the girls the same humor and courage that Marcia does so effortlessly? When will life return to normal?

The answers to these questions and more seem to come to me as time goes on. A sense of humor, a deep and loving personal relationship, a strong belief system, and the support of friends and family have made this just another challenge to confront together. Thank you all for your part in supporting us in many ways. The cards, phone calls, food, kind and supportive comments, and other kindnesses help more than you know.

One question I get a lot is, ‘How are you doing?’ Well, I think I’m doing pretty well. On Valentine’s Day, however, I wasn't so sure. I got Marcia a gift and two cards. One was a funny Valentine’s Day card, the other was a birthday card (her birthday is in October). Perhaps I am not doing as well as I think.

Thanks again for all your love and support.

Concentration and memory...what was the question, again?

It's funny...here I've got all the time in the world to read the many books that are piled by my chair, just waiting to be picked up and read. Rich keeps adding his own "must read" books to my pile, but with "chemo brain" enshrouding my mind, I don't have the concentration necessary to read for any length of time. Even reading the paper can be a struggle to get through, as my mind loses interest quickly and wants to move on to something else. Or take a nap. Multi-tasking is not a good idea, either, even though I do seem to flit from one thing to another when on my steroids. But that would require too much concentration to see any one thing through (although I really can't blame this on chemo brain), and who knows how many things Rich would come home to find unfinished.

So I keep myself busy knitting while watching movies via Netflix. And my current knitting project is the PROJECT FROM HELL so far! I'm trying to knit a simple vest, with a yarn that is inconsistent in weight...it has thick slubs as well as thin strands to it, so will be very chunky when finished. However, because of this variance, it doesn't knit to scale and I have taken it apart FOUR times now, after reaching the midway point of the back of the vest. I have finally re-written the directions, which is very daring of me because I am NOT an experienced knitter. Scarves, mittens and felted purses are my claim to fame in the knitting world. But I am determined to make this vest work, even if it kills me! I'm already envisioning myself wearing it proudly (it'll look so cute with my red hair), so with all the concentration I can muster, I WILL finish this knitting project!

Do they make flavored cotton balls?

Now that my food cravings have finally gone away, my mouth feels as if it's filled with cotton balls. Everything is so dry now, and I can't seem to drink enough water to make any difference. I've got the chapstick handy to keep my lips from drying out, but my nose feels as parched as the Sahara Desert. Add to that the sweetish, metalic taste I now have again and you've got the picture...not much tastes good anymore! It's a good thing, too, as I was worried I was going to turn into a blimp after this weekend's munchie attacks. But I was pleasantly surprised when I weighed in before my chemo infusion today...I hadn't gained a pound!

Tacos and chilis and dips, oh my!

One of the downsides of my being on steroids these first five days of having my "nasty chemo", is that I have the munchies like crazy! And with it being Super Bowl weekend, all the advertisers and talk shows seem to be showing as many snacks and foods to make your Super Bowl Party a success as possible. And I am craving ALL OF IT!

At 9:30 yesterday morning, after eating my healthy bowl of cereal with banana slices, I was discovered happily dipping my tostito chips into a jar of salsa by my daughter, Anne, who just laughed and said that at least part of it was healthy! But later that morning I had cravings for chips and dip, as well as bagels and cream cheese so Anne sweetly went to the grocery store to feed my newest cravings, as well (she actually was thinking that sounded pretty good, too). It's like being pregnant again! Nothing sweet has any appeal, because I can't really taste sweet very well with my metallic taste being back. But anything that is salty, or tomatoey, or cheesy....watch out! Have you seen the commercial for those fried cheese sticks that you dip in pizza sauce.....ooooh, baby do those look good!

Fortunately, I'll be done with the steroids tonite, and should be back to "normal" tomorrow. I'll also probably be feeling icky instead, but at least those Super Bowl ads won't have their hold on me anymore, thank goodness!

I don't want to go to the vet!

That's what Rich and I say whenever we have to go to a doctor's appointment we don't want to go to. It's in reference to our previous dog, Boots, who instinctively knew whenever we were taking her to the vet, and shook all the way there! Today was my second "big nasty" chemo, and even though I knew what to expect this time, I still had butterflies in the pit of my stomach as we drove to my appointment. No matter how brave I may think I am, the bottom line is that I am waging a chemical warfare on my body.

I saw my oncologist before my infusions today. She checked me out physically, and then told me that all of my blood work is great, which means my organs (liver and kidneys, specifically) are not being affected by the chemo. Whew! She said that all of my itching and rash were most likely due to the steroids and taxotere (one of my "big nasty" chemos), and to take benadryl orally and also as a cream. Which is exactly what I did, and it helped.

Rich thinks my skin is a different color now, compared to when I went in for my infusion this morning. I don't see it, but I wouldn't be surprised. I hope I don't turn into a little GREEN alien, though! I'm sure that the rest of my hair will fall out, now that I've had my second round. I think I'm getting used to seeing myself bald now...it doesn't shock me anymore when I see myself in the mirror. And I really don't mind wearing hats and wigs, though I know that I would feel differently if it was hot, rather than cold, outside. I still need to get Rich to take pictures of me with my new looks so that I can post them for you. We'll work on that soon.

In the meantime, I need another nap!

Old habits are hard to break

I've got to admit, this having no hair to wash or style is the greatest! But old habits are hard to break...I still reach up to wring my hair out before stepping out of the shower, and then I'm ready to grab the hairdryer to dry my hair. Between not needing to shave my legs anymore and no hair to wash, showers are short and sweet! The whole "getting ready" process is short and sweet! All I have to do now is put my face and my eyes on, swipe some lipstick on my lips, and then decide which wig or hat I'm going to wear!

And wearing a wig is a snap...all I do is shake it out, plop it on my head, make sure it's on straight, fix the bangs and away I go! No more bad hair days! I went back to the wig shop today to get them adjusted and trimmed a little. One needed the back shortened (it had the Carol Brady look going on) and the other needed to be taken in a little (I have a small head!) and the bangs trimmed so that I could see. Now they fit perfectly and I'm ready to go! I'll have Rich take some pictures of me in them, and post them (if I can figure that out) for you to see.

Who's the strange lady in the bathroom, seeing me naked?

That's what Rich said to me this morning when I put on my wig to wear out for the first time! Believe me, I felt the same way when I saw myself in the mirror. I decided that wearing my wig to church today would be a "gentle" debut for me. Even though I love how my wig looks on me, I was quite nervous to actually be presenting myself to the world at large. On the way to church I kept checking it in the mirror (my bangs need to be cut...they hang in my eyes) and patting it down, making sure it was secure. Rich had reminded me this morning of the time a girl he briefly dated in college wore a wig to a TGIF dance, and when she drunkenly fell down in the middle of the dance floor, her wig popped off her head! HE was mortified, SHE was too drunk to know, I was secretly pleased! So he had teasingly told me to make sure my wig didn't fall off. Thanks alot!

My debut went off beautifully, though. Those who knew me already loved it and said I looked like I was 35 (not 12!). And those that didn't know me before being a redhead thought it was the most natural looking wig they had ever seen. One gal just plain complimented me on my hair, not knowing me at all! It was a good feeling. Tomorrow morning I go the the wig shop to have my wigs trimmed and fitted to my head. Now that I don't have any hair, they fit looser and need to be taken in, however that works!

I've had people comment on how upbeat and perky I am. Well, that's the only way I know to face what life puts before you. If anyone is having a hard time with all of this, it's Rich. He is the best supporter I could ever ask for, and is always positive and upbeat with me. But he also seems to be working overtime in the worry department and keeps wondering why he's so tired all of the time, calling himself a wienie! But he's no wienie...it's because he is doing the worrying for both of us!

There's a bald woman in my mirror!

It's done! My hair has been shaved off by Rich the barber (I hope he keeps his bank job, though)! We did it first thing this morning so that I could shower afterwards and wash the remains off of my body. I didn't want to repeat yesterday's shower experience... gobs of hair came out when I washed it, dried it and attempted to put goop in it. The floor and countertop were covered with hair! If I had known where the clippers were, I would have shaved it off myself! So I actually feel wonderful about the whole thing. I feel FREE (the song "I'm Free" by The Who is cycling in my brain!) and relieved that it's behind me. It's one more thing that I have met head on and conquered!

I don't really recognize myself in the mirror yet. I look vaguely familiar, but...what happened to the redhead? I actually have a fine stubble left on my head...and it's mostly gray again! I've been wearing a hat today, but find that my head does get a bit warm with it on. But I'm not ready to go bare yet! When Rich and I did some errands this morning, I saw an acquaintance at the store and she didn't recognize me at first. I'm sure I will get that alot, especially once I wear my wigs. I do feel like I'm wearing a big "C" on my forehead, now that I no longer have my own hair. I guess I was able to pretend that all was normal, while I still looked the same.

But you know what? I'm going to have fun with my new wigs and hats! I'm still me underneath it all, and I'm a breast cancer warrior (I've got new Nike hot-pink tennis shoes to prove it)! This is the last of the "unknowns", and I have come through as the victor!

Oh...in case you were wondering about my having wine in the morning. I decided that a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies would be even better! Yum, yum!